Failure: The Movie…..Okay….It’s Not A Fucking Movie, It’s a Blog Post With the Theme of Failure….or At Least The Word “Failure” Appears a bunch. I Don’t Know What I’m Talking About. Just Click On The Thing So Advertisers Want To Pay Me At Some Point.

I’ve heard of the “fear of failure.” The idea is that you’re so scared of an idea or a project not working so much that you don’t even try. It makes sense to some capacity. People fear public speaking because they don’t want to look foolish or they’re afraid of asking someone out because they’ll get laughed at. The whole idea is humans are afraid of being rejected because they like to fit in and not receive ridicule.

I have issues with this as I have social anxiety and have a strong desire to have everyone like me, which is really strange because there are some hardcore shitstains who exist but I always find myself fearing looking silly because someone might think a negative thought about me. It seems as though I’ve gone through my most growth as a person has come from doing stuff that makes me scared. That all seems like common sense though we seem to avoid uncomfortable situations because they’re uncomfortable. All this seems like an aside to my real point.

I am an intelligent person. That sounds conceited and I don’t know, maybe it is, but for a lot of my life I have been underemployed and used the economy crash from 10 years ago as an excuse. Not that it didn’t play a factor into my underachieving but I more than used it as an excuse to not apply myself for jobs and other types of projects that I really wanted and to fit a challenge that matches what I’m capable of. Because of this I’ve had people like my wife and parents tell me I’m just afraid of failing but I had a hard time not feeling like it was just laziness. Playing a video game always felt easier and more enjoyable than sitting down and applying for jobs or writing a cover letter or writing my novel….and for the most part passively playing a game IS more fun than those things (even though there is a certain high one can get from attempting self improvement and from really getting into the flow of any kind of those activities. The day dreams one can get from applying for a job that really seems to match your personality can’t exactly be matched by certain aspects of video games in my eyes. Not that I’m knocking gaming at all. Trust me, that’s an activity I’ve dabbled in many times.) But whenever I’d consider doing one of those things I’d think of the back ache I may get, the struggle I’ll go through when it comes to saying the right things and how I would lose time in my day to do the things I really love. Ultimately, it didn’t seem worth it.

The same things happens to me now a days; in my recent desire to explore my creativity I have come up with ample story ideas. The desire to actually sit down and write one of them has been lacking and again it’s because I associate it with fatigue and work I don’t want to do and it doesn’t seem worth it because it just won’t immediately be published (side note: I am strongly working on getting rid of the idea of writing a story with an accomplishment in mind. Truth is, creative writing as a get rich quick scheme isn’t the most successful venture no matter how many times of daydreaming of being some bestseller with a weirdo cover shot in the back of some book. I’m really trying to enjoy the process of making a thing. It works fine until I get to the editing part….fuck the editing part. Except for when I don’t do it it’s pretty easy to question the “I’m intelligent” claim I just made….oh well I guess.)

But I just had another idea for an activity type book that I want to turn into an ebook, now I won’t publish the exact idea on here because odds are I’ll procrastinate and one of you turds will likely steal my idea before I do it, and the work required for this book is more minimal that a lot of my ideas, but I just find myself in a position where I don’t want to do it. Like I said, the effort required for my idea is minimal but when I think of doing the project all I can think of is “what if this doesn’t work” and for some reason it makes the venture not worth it. While I can think of some subconscious indicators that the other avoidant things I do are really indicative of a fear of failing…this is the first time I’ve truly felt like I’m afraid of failing. But why? Why is it that fucking something up is so terrifying. How can one learn without fucking up? And this project isn’t exactly artistic in anyway so why is it I am afraid of the project failing? It wouldn’t really show anything about who I am as a person. I don’t know, maybe I’m ultimately afraid of wasting time and that again goes back to my issue of never enjoying the moment and always working towards the end product as the true reward. Hopefully I’ll take it to heart that the process is what life is really all about….

Whoa, that got deep or some shit. Or maybe that works as a shitty meme or something. I don’t know.

I Want Life to Follow a Script But Really, Everything is Kind of Improved and That Is Kind of Better. Whose Line is it Anyways? Was Better Than A Lot of Shows With a Script. Think About It. Sigh….Okay, This Thing is About How I’m Obsessed With Control, Okay.

The need for control seems to be at the center of a lot of my anxiety. It very much is at the center of my social phobia. I rehearse conversations and replay them over and over again hoping for some sense of predictability when it comes to a lot of different types of social interaction. The problem with this is life is really nothing but a lot of improve. Humans are different and they respond to different situations in different ways.

I can’t really predict the way another person will respond to a thing I say or to the situation I’m in so I feel like entering a conversation with no preparation is really the way to go plus I feel like the natural flow of a conversation is what makes talking to another person fun in the first place. But the idea of preparing for a conversation doesn’t exactly work for conversations that can typically be pleasing, there are difficult conversations that exist too and I feel it’s easier to just get into it. When I have to do something challenging the idea of picking up the phone or approaching the person is a very fear provoking thing (and with my social issues conversations that shouldn’t really be difficult are more difficult for myself than they are for others. At least I assume this is the case but then again I could easily be mind reading in this situation. Maybe what I think is hard for me really is difficult for others as well) I prepare a script and I practice for what I THINK the other person is going to say, and usually what I think the other person is going to say is probably worst case scenario with what they could say. What ends up happening is I create a layer of defensiveness before the conversation even starts and in order to hype myself up for the conversation I get angry with the person to some level before we even talk creating a combative situation where there may not have been before.

On top of that, the scripting really doesn’t help anything. I’m still anxious regardless of how often I prepare so it doesn’t do anything but make the situation worse. I’ve kind of just learned to jump right into a difficult discussion without scripting to begin with. Instead I let the unknown take over and release the sense of control that I so strongly desire.

But isn’t just a social situation. I tend to get stuck in routines and can get irritable when a routine is broken. For instance, at any job I have I get stuck on tasks and get frustrated when a customer comes in unexpectedly because, even though the number one thing you want in business is customers because they give you money for things, I am not ready for them. Because of this I can get subconsciously angry at a person for having the nerve to interrupt my work with their desire to pay me. It doesn’t really effect my service on a conscious level however there is a part of me that just wants the interaction to end and that makes it difficult to give my all which is really want I want to do in life.

Part of my search for creativity…(that’s a thing I’m doing now. Last year my coming out of seasonal depression thing was finding myself or some shit. Now I’m searching for creativity. I don’t know what the difference is between the two but bear with me.) is to let go of my need for control. Unexpected things gives me the opportunity to problem solve and test my personal abilities and that really should be a fun and rewarding thing but I can be a boring person, especially if I adhere to a certain level or rigidity so allowing myself to be more adaptive and accepting of whatever life may punch me in the face with (or, you know, give me good things too I guess) I can find the opportunities to learn, grow and enjoy things more than if I just hope for the same things every day.

Dreams and The Real World; How Plausible Is It? Plus, I Just Used a Semi-Colon….Likely Incorrectly But I Don’t Give a Shit Because Semi-Colons Are Fucking Incredible.

“I have a dream” That’s a original….where have we heard that before? Definitely not on some whiny dude’s blog before. “Give 110 percent” What does that mean? It feels like generic filler more than anything. Something that is said because someone doesn’t know what else to say. Ultimately it means try harder than hard but mostly it’s a saying that doesn’t really make any sense. It’s really unfair to lump in a generic sports cliche with a legendary speech from Martin Luther King Jr. so I don’t know why I did that. My bad.

The point is though the ideas of dreams and effort are linked but what does it really mean to try your very best at something? It seems like a simple thing but maybe it isn’t. Or maybe it is simple but we reward giving maximum effort to one thing too greatly when it involves sacrificing other aspects of life.

I made a declaration to myself today. I’m going to give my best effort to devote as much time as I can to writing. And to self improvement and maybe…to my job.

A job, it’s a thing I do in exchange for money. I guess it’s a normal thing to do but it certainly doesn’t match 100 percent with what I’d prefer to be doing with my life. Not that I necessarily hate the thing nor am I bad at it. But that begs the question, what do you do if what you are doing with your life isn’t 100 percent what you want to do. I’ve heard people say “go for it” with the subtle implication being quit your job and chase what you want to do and while to some level this is admirable….it’s pretty fucking reckless. If I quit my job today I would harm not just myself but other people as well. Sure the extra 50-60 hours a week would be nice to have in some capacity but to just up and quit for a long shot pipe dream….I’m sorry, it’s reckless. This means I do what I can to achieve my dream outside of work hours but my obsession with tackling my dreams makes it so work can seem like an obstacle at times, which is unfair to the job that pays me. It doesn’t mean I don’t try my best at the job but it does mean my heart is elsewhere.

This means I have to compromise. When I have a moment, the second a thought pops into my head I have to throw the idea on a piece of paper. I only write when it feels right and will no longer force it. I have a lot of mental clutter caused by anxiety and made worse by things like social media and other aspects of the internet and entertainment. By clearing these things out of my mind I can still give my all at my job, which is important but also still allow myself to chase my dreams. I can learn to excel in things that matter and not so much in the weird online world where we seek momentary approval of people we don’t know. I’m learning more and more that the clearer I can make my mind…the more active creatively I can be. My mind wants to excel and create and do amazing things….I just have to let it.

Sometimes I feel like the stuff I write is nothing but stream of consciousness nonsense that really doesn’t fit together in any kind of cohesive way but oh well.

Give Your Heart and Soul to a Thing Then You Can Complain. Doesn’t That Sound Cool and Meme-like or Something?

I’m finding creative expression to be an odd thing. For one thing, I’m not doing it as much as I’d like but that’s a thing I’ve complained about for awhile (side note, I accidentally typed “dong” instead of “doing” at first and that’s funny because wieners are hilarious) Like, I daydream of just sitting in a room and drawing or painting or sculpting with play-dough or something but I always decide against actually doing it because I don’t have ideas and I don’t have materials and I’m always tired and have little time.

Because I don’t create nearly as much as I’d like I spend a lot of time hating myself and getting angry that I am just wasting life away. I have all these dreams and hardly chase them because I’m tired and really need to re-watch every episode of The Office for some reason.

Today though, I created something. I wrote a short story (read it here. I ain’t wasting any opportunities to self-plug) And because I’m a little narcissistic I felt entitled to have everyone I know read the damn thing. There was a voice in my head saying, “If you don’t read this you don’t care about me” which is a ridiculous thing. People have their own lives and they are going to occupy it with what they want to do and expecting them to use that precious time solely to support myself is a tad selfish. That didn’t stop me from ample self loathing and there’s a part of me that’s like “I wrote the thing. Why isn’t it getting published immediately and why am I not a famous writer now!” which is even more ridiculous. There are people who give their heart and soul to a craft and get nothing from it. There are people who do so and WANT nothing from it and here I am, cranking out a short story for the first time in ages expecting to be someone from it. It’s terrible and it’s selfish and honestly it comes from a place of loathing where I am in life at the moment which really just comes from my sever depression I’m going through the last few months. And honestly, that comes from myself. There’s no situation in life that’s going to fix that one so feeling entitled to the life that I want just because I don’t want to feel shitty and said anymore just isn’t worthwhile.

Having said that I do have dreams and desires. I even spent a lot of time recently documenting everything I want from life on a piece of paper and of course spent even more time self loathing because I have barely any of it. So I’m trying to come up with a new way of thinking. I want to be the type of person who gives my heart and soul to something and one of two things will happen. One thing that could happen is that I’ll get what I actually want (and let’s face it, unless I do what’s good for me mentally I’ll probably still struggle with this depression nonsense) or I’ll have a reason to complain at the very least which, uh, I guess is a good thing? I don’t know. The concept sounded more bad-ass and motivating when I came up with it at first.

I’m Scared as Shit. Get Hyped.

Every December I get depressed as fuck. It’s probably common. Money gets tight for a lot of people. Loneliness gets stronger because of the holidays and seeing as I live hours from my family making travel difficult if not impossible, I definitely felt that one this year. The constant barrage of darkness and cold weather is much to take which is odd as I spend a lot of times indoors anyways.

As the new year happens I get a little hope. I create all these things I’m going to do better in the new year and one of those things is usually something over ambitious like “I’M GONNA WRITE A DOPE ASS NOVEL EVERY DAY!!!!!!” so of course I don’t do that and I begin to feel like a piece of shit because I can’t accomplish my goals. “SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE SET GOALS EVERY DAY!!!!!” You’re told all the time. I don’t do that and when I do I don’t achieve that so I am not a successful person, I am instead a smelly fart dong…..I guess. I don’t know, my brain is weird. I then go through issues with that (compounded by being Broke Man. Um, it’s a super hero I just made up on the spot. A… with the uncanny ability to not have money…’s….not good. Nevermind.) and eventually hit a sweet spot where I feel motivated with goals that aren’t as extreme. It was at that moment a year ago when I started making this blog. Eventually the writing tapered off and then every once in awhile I’d throw out bangers related to urine on toilet handles BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT TO READ!!!!! (Also, absolutely no one says “banger” to describe a fucking blog article but I am a goddamned innovator. That’s why I have 103 followers on this shit. TRIPLE DIGITS, BITCHES)

So, I’m at that point in the depressed/anxious Josh cycle (this page is scared dude, not sad dude after all) AND THAT MEANS I AM PUMPED WITH REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOO, REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS I STILL PROBABLY WON’T MEET!!!!! But we’re ignoring that part this time! I’m going to write so many fear related posts. It’s gonna rain anxiety related context all over word press. My Facebook feed is gonna get so flooded that the government will neglect funding it for months! FUCK YEAH WRITING.

Sorry, I get carried away. I was like, really depressed about 20 minutes ago but I listened to some NWA and am full of swag and no I’m ready to put my head through a wall from hype!

Um…yeah, so I guess I’m gonna write more on here. Unless I don’t. I dunno.

I Got a Handle on Life. Wait, There’s Pee on the Handle. That’s Gross!

I went pee today. I work in a mall like building. Some people call it a “mall” I guess. Whatever, I don’t like labels. And in this mall there is a bathroom. I’m sure you can see where this is going. (heh, going. Like, as in, pee) I used the bathroom in the mall. When I did so I used the urinal. It was a nice urinal I suppose. I wouldn’t have eaten out of it or anything but in terms of freshness I suppose it was the dopest urinal on the block though I haven’t exactly tested every urinal on the block I just assume because a majority of the buildings on the block are apartments and only weirdos have urinals in their apartment. Regardless, I don’t have the time to urinal test. I’m a working man and working men use urinals!

Oh, I suppose you’re looking for a point this. Well, in my use of urinals I touched the handle to flush and as I did so the fucking thing was wet. That’s gross. I have no idea what would cause the handle of a urinal to be wet but I don’t suppose the answer is one that I would enjoy. I checked my hand for sores or something because I don’t need stranger pee in my blood. That’s just setting up for a not so good experience as far as I’m concerned. This motivated me to wash my hands for about 20 minutes straight because that shit is gross. Now I have no pee on my hands and we can all be friends! Except for the dude who made the urinal handle wet. That dude sucks and I hate him. Let’s ridicule that fucker forever.

I’m Fighting for my Pipe Dream.

I’ve started writing another novel. Just to be clear, I have written two and half but you won’t really find them posted anywhere or published in stores because I am scared of editing them. Just finding the will power to write hundreds of pages was hard enough. To find the will power to do it again and again has just been too much for me. Having said that I haven’t really done the latter for a long time.

My motivation to piece together a story has slowly returned to me it is hard to write when all you do is judge every sentence that goes onto the screen. I can tell after about 9 pages of writing already that this story is flawed and I can’t get what I am writing to match the emotions and feel that I am going for. I suppose that comes with the editing which I really don’t enjoy. There is also a fear that I won’t continue to do this. There’s fear that I will let procrastination turn to apathy and then another story fades away. I have a habit of this. There are countless stories I never finished and while it’s easy to say “just start again” it feels like stories have a shelf life and I can’t return to them once a certain amount of time has passed, which is really disappointing because a couple of stores I have felt this way towards were 100+ pages and it feels like all that time has been wasted.

I can’t help but feel like I have no time. I got angry because I work 50 hours a week and while I’m good at what I do I can’t help but feel I’m wasting time because I want to be in front of my computer listening to music, finding a way to craft emotions into a story and finding a way to create my imagination into characters who come to life. I grow angry because I have a vision for who I want to be and I’m spending a lot of time doing things that don’t lead me to that. Unfortunately the things I don’t want to be doing are very essential to survival as they lead to money and money leads to food. Maybe, someday I will create the discipline and work ethic necessary to give me what I truly desire.

I’m Petrified Again So Again I Write.

Holy shit. It’s been awhile since I’ve done this. I think all the progress I made on myself from months ago (truthfully it feels like years) is all gone. I wish I could say that I am yearning to write again because of some calling, like say, maybe I saw in the clouds a figure of a bearded man writing at a desk or something. It’d be even cooler if he was using a feather pen to write poetic stuff because feather pens are pretty sweet. But it isn’t that. It’s fear that has motivated me to return to putting random words on a screen. Since I’ve moved I can’t help but feel as though things keep going against me. My wife had a brief, but still frightening cancer issue, my car has been totaled in an accident and I just can’t quite feel secure when it comes to money.

I honestly can’t remember the last moment when there wasn’t tightness in my chest. So that blows. I’m hopeful that this new bout of fear and stress will lead to motivation that sticks once everything becomes better. I have a novel I wrote 5 years ago that I never have revised. The dream was always to publish it as an e-book but I never quite muster the motivation to do so. All I can do is fantasize about it becoming a hit (which I understand is unlikely but it’s fun to dream) but I can’t quite muster the strength to finish the damn thing. Right now, the motivation is strong but that comes from the fear.

The thought I keep having is “I need a new car right now. If I can only turn this book into a hit than maybe things will change.” Like, I’m going to become an instant millionaire from a book about a young man and his boner (inside joke to my story that no one has read nor can they read because I won’t post it anywhere. I assure you it’s hilarious because I say the word “boner” and “boner” is a funny word.) I am starting to wonder if it’s the dream of publishing such a book that keeps me from doing it. Within the dream is hope….if I don’t try and fail with the dream….the hope never dies. I think it’s the same damn reason I never really asked girls out when I grew up. Hope is a powerful thing but it can also be a major inhibitor to actually getting shit done. I suppose the first step to getting everything I ever hoped for is getting my dreams stomped on for a bit at first. With that I am motivated to finally revise my novel….but not right now….I’m tired and I have to figure out how to buy a fucking car with no money.

Hey! Remember How I Used to Write Things? Well, I Figured I Should Do That Again.

Okay, so I haven’t been able to shake the Avoidant Personality Disorder thing through meditation and positive thinking. I mean, major personality disorders supposedly take years of psychological counseling and medication to treat and from my understanding, even that doesn’t completely get rid of the condition. It just really sucks. I felt like I had this shit under control.

For two solid weeks I woke up excited for work as I felt like I was finally accomplishing something and with moving to a new city I had a lot of cool shit in front of me but what I am finding out is that I’m still too scared to make new friends. I’m too scared to let myself connect to new people and I find it difficult to do my job some days. I’m not really finding myself to be improved. I’m just more tired and more lonely and my motivation to get better has failed. I really have given up on writing lately but the drive to do it again is coming back. I look at creative projects online and see that I still do want a creative career in some capacity.  I could probably start by writing on this blog again. I did pay for the damn domain name. I think I just needed the month or so to clear my head.

I’m going to return to trying to find things that I enjoy. I considered making videos again but not about self growth or any of that. I might still do that but I might do something involving what I enjoy. I might talk about sports, specifically the NBA, because I love sports. I have felt like that as a more evolved and mature person that I can’t really enjoy sports but the fact is that’s a major thing that I enjoy. I mean, my first memories revolve around me watching basketball and rooting for the Packers to beat the Bears when I was little just because I thought it was funny to root against my dad’s team. I feel like in shying away from the things that I love, I’m not really growing. So my new activity in growing will now involve trying to do whatever I can to do the things that I enjoy and feel the way I feel in the moment. I’m hoping in doing such things I then push to do new things and hopefully find some new loves along with the old.

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