Today I got a first hand look at how competitive my new job is. Ultimately the company has a measure that they utilize to measure who is good and who is bad. In some ways this isn’t a bad thing because the determinations of promotions and what not are figured in a less subjective way and as a sports fan and former (terrible) athlete I can easily relate to a score as a measure of who is the best. It’s also anxiety provoking. With such a score there are less excuses that can be used depending upon how good the measure is. With less excuses it’s going to make failing hard to handle. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want other people to be seen as better than me and I sure as hell don’t want to fall short. My stomach and back all hurt just thinking about the possibility that I’m not good enough. There’s also a load of self doubt that goes into just seeing the measure. I wish I could be the one to say “I’M GONNA COME IN AND BE THE BEST BECAUSE I’M THE BEST” but that isn’t me. In some ways I’m confident but in others I’m not. I feel as though I know how to execute sales and customer service and all that fun stuff but my anxiety rests upon if I’ll actually do it. I know I keep harping on this but it’s so important. I truly feel as though some pretty strong success is right in front of my face and all I have to do is not be scared and say things that make me uncomfortable from time to time.
The fact that it’s so simple makes it scary. It truly turns it into a me vs me contest. But I’ve added a certain layer of pressure to this. I have this strong desire to be successful as motivation for others. I see other people, especially on Facebook but in my personal life, who struggle with their position in life, anxiety, lack of self belief among other things and I have found recent that I want to succeed to act as a blue print for all the wonderful people I know who are struggling. I want to be able to say to them, “If I can do it you can and here’s how” and actually act as authority relating to it. I do feel I’ve taken a giant leap in recent months and I feel like some tremendous opportunities have come from it and at this point it really is just a matter of taking advantage of the opportunity. Getting the opportunity can sometimes be the most difficult part however executing on the opportunity involves a lot of pressure turning things that are somewhat simple into something more difficult and it all comes back to fear.
My life isn’t perfect at all. I’m not even close to where I want to be but the doors are opening wide and it’s all because I did stuff that was scary. In order to get to where I want to be I must continue to do scary things. It’s hard. I wish I could stop doing scary things. Maybe I can when I get to where I want to go. Maybe the scary stuff will never stop and to some extent that all sucks. But I’m certainly a happier person because of working through scary things. I hope this continues and I hope that someone can see me as an example and maybe even motivation for themselves to do the scary thing because I really everyone to find something better (if their life sucks.)