I Got a Handle on Life. Wait, There’s Pee on the Handle. That’s Gross!

I went pee today. I work in a mall like building. Some people call it a “mall” I guess. Whatever, I don’t like labels. And in this mall there is a bathroom. I’m sure you can see where this is going. (heh, going. Like, as in, pee) I used the bathroom in the mall. When I did so I used the urinal. It was a nice urinal I suppose. I wouldn’t have eaten out of it or anything but in terms of freshness I suppose it was the dopest urinal on the block though I haven’t exactly tested every urinal on the block I just assume because a majority of the buildings on the block are apartments and only weirdos have urinals in their apartment. Regardless, I don’t have the time to urinal test. I’m a working man and working men use urinals!

Oh, I suppose you’re looking for a point this. Well, in my use of urinals I touched the handle to flush and as I did so the fucking thing was wet. That’s gross. I have no idea what would cause the handle of a urinal to be wet but I don’t suppose the answer is one that I would enjoy. I checked my hand for sores or something because I don’t need stranger pee in my blood. That’s just setting up for a not so good experience as far as I’m concerned. This motivated me to wash my hands for about 20 minutes straight because that shit is gross. Now I have no pee on my hands and we can all be friends! Except for the dude who made the urinal handle wet. That dude sucks and I hate him. Let’s ridicule that fucker forever.

I’m Fighting for my Pipe Dream.

I’ve started writing another novel. Just to be clear, I have written two and half but you won’t really find them posted anywhere or published in stores because I am scared of editing them. Just finding the will power to write hundreds of pages was hard enough. To find the will power to do it again and again has just been too much for me. Having said that I haven’t really done the latter for a long time.

My motivation to piece together a story has slowly returned to me it is hard to write when all you do is judge every sentence that goes onto the screen. I can tell after about 9 pages of writing already that this story is flawed and I can’t get what I am writing to match the emotions and feel that I am going for. I suppose that comes with the editing which I really don’t enjoy. There is also a fear that I won’t continue to do this. There’s fear that I will let procrastination turn to apathy and then another story fades away. I have a habit of this. There are countless stories I never finished and while it’s easy to say “just start again” it feels like stories have a shelf life and I can’t return to them once a certain amount of time has passed, which is really disappointing because a couple of stores I have felt this way towards were 100+ pages and it feels like all that time has been wasted.

I can’t help but feel like I have no time. I got angry because I work 50 hours a week and while I’m good at what I do I can’t help but feel I’m wasting time because I want to be in front of my computer listening to music, finding a way to craft emotions into a story and finding a way to create my imagination into characters who come to life. I grow angry because I have a vision for who I want to be and I’m spending a lot of time doing things that don’t lead me to that. Unfortunately the things I don’t want to be doing are very essential to survival as they lead to money and money leads to food. Maybe, someday I will create the discipline and work ethic necessary to give me what I truly desire.

I’m Petrified Again So Again I Write.

Holy shit. It’s been awhile since I’ve done this. I think all the progress I made on myself from months ago (truthfully it feels like years) is all gone. I wish I could say that I am yearning to write again because of some calling, like say, maybe I saw in the clouds a figure of a bearded man writing at a desk or something. It’d be even cooler if he was using a feather pen to write poetic stuff because feather pens are pretty sweet. But it isn’t that. It’s fear that has motivated me to return to putting random words on a screen. Since I’ve moved I can’t help but feel as though things keep going against me. My wife had a brief, but still frightening cancer issue, my car has been totaled in an accident and I just can’t quite feel secure when it comes to money.

I honestly can’t remember the last moment when there wasn’t tightness in my chest. So that blows. I’m hopeful that this new bout of fear and stress will lead to motivation that sticks once everything becomes better. I have a novel I wrote 5 years ago that I never have revised. The dream was always to publish it as an e-book but I never quite muster the motivation to do so. All I can do is fantasize about it becoming a hit (which I understand is unlikely but it’s fun to dream) but I can’t quite muster the strength to finish the damn thing. Right now, the motivation is strong but that comes from the fear.

The thought I keep having is “I need a new car right now. If I can only turn this book into a hit than maybe things will change.” Like, I’m going to become an instant millionaire from a book about a young man and his boner (inside joke to my story that no one has read nor can they read because I won’t post it anywhere. I assure you it’s hilarious because I say the word “boner” and “boner” is a funny word.) I am starting to wonder if it’s the dream of publishing such a book that keeps me from doing it. Within the dream is hope….if I don’t try and fail with the dream….the hope never dies. I think it’s the same damn reason I never really asked girls out when I grew up. Hope is a powerful thing but it can also be a major inhibitor to actually getting shit done. I suppose the first step to getting everything I ever hoped for is getting my dreams stomped on for a bit at first. With that I am motivated to finally revise my novel….but not right now….I’m tired and I have to figure out how to buy a fucking car with no money.

Hey! Remember How I Used to Write Things? Well, I Figured I Should Do That Again.

Okay, so I haven’t been able to shake the Avoidant Personality Disorder thing through meditation and positive thinking. I mean, major personality disorders supposedly take years of psychological counseling and medication to treat and from my understanding, even that doesn’t completely get rid of the condition. It just really sucks. I felt like I had this shit under control.

For two solid weeks I woke up excited for work as I felt like I was finally accomplishing something and with moving to a new city I had a lot of cool shit in front of me but what I am finding out is that I’m still too scared to make new friends. I’m too scared to let myself connect to new people and I find it difficult to do my job some days. I’m not really finding myself to be improved. I’m just more tired and more lonely and my motivation to get better has failed. I really have given up on writing lately but the drive to do it again is coming back. I look at creative projects online and see that I still do want a creative career in some capacity.  I could probably start by writing on this blog again. I did pay for the damn domain name. I think I just needed the month or so to clear my head.

I’m going to return to trying to find things that I enjoy. I considered making videos again but not about self growth or any of that. I might still do that but I might do something involving what I enjoy. I might talk about sports, specifically the NBA, because I love sports. I have felt like that as a more evolved and mature person that I can’t really enjoy sports but the fact is that’s a major thing that I enjoy. I mean, my first memories revolve around me watching basketball and rooting for the Packers to beat the Bears when I was little just because I thought it was funny to root against my dad’s team. I feel like in shying away from the things that I love, I’m not really growing. So my new activity in growing will now involve trying to do whatever I can to do the things that I enjoy and feel the way I feel in the moment. I’m hoping in doing such things I then push to do new things and hopefully find some new loves along with the old.

Why Does It Feel Like I Don’t Care Anymore?

My writing has certainly diminished as of late. I want to say it’s because my anxiety has lessened and it certainly has from the days before my move. But the anxious thoughts are certainly there. I think I just ran out of different ways to talk about butt cheeks….okay, I won’t revisit that strangeness.

As of late my anxiety feels more mundane. I have my typical ruminating thoughts but it’s over the same stuff I constantly fear. I don’t want to run out of money, I wonder about my health and I don’t always feel as thought I’m living life to the fullest. Those are definitely issues in themselves but they are fears that I repeat constantly and I’m kind of tired of both speaking about such anxieties and I’m way more than tired of dealing with them.

The last week or so I’ve dealt with extreme frustration as I get to a more stable time period of my life. I’ve spoken of the lack of motivation when it comes to creative endeavors and how I’m not even sure I want to be a creative writer anymore but I’m struggling more and more with how to replace that. When the decision was made to move from South Bend, Indiana to Boston, Massachusetts I felt like overcoming what was a massive amount of fears would lead to something great immediately. It was like, a giant move to a large city where I knew nobody was an understandably fearful thing but by going through the scary and stressful thing by figuring out how to move, getting a better paying job and looking for ways to enjoy my new city instead of retreating into the house and depressing myself constantly by staring at Facebook or whatever else for hours a day my life would magically get better.

In some ways it absolutely has. I’ve been successful at my new job in my early days and every weekend I have found ways to discover something new for little money but I can’t help but feel more lost. I feel as though I took these giant leaps and the reward is….I need to take more fucking leaps and while I have learned to do scary things I am at a point in my life where I don’t know what the next scary thing is. For the past 7 years I’ve hung onto this dream of “I’m going to write this story” or “I’m going to write this book.” and I’m going to make it big presenting myself with a large hurdle that just needs to be overcome and I will get the success I’ve searched for. With the realization that I may not actually want to be a creative writer I’m left asking myself what I want to do and that frustrates me as there is no big goal in front of me and it leads me to feel as though I’m living a life with no purpose.

It the last few months I really felt as though I’ve been growing but in the last few weeks it’s hard to feel as though this is true as my anxiety returns and a little bit of depression tried to come through today. I am reverting to my old habits and not connecting to new people I work with like I had hoped and I still haven’t joined any sort of group like I had intended since I’ve moved here. I guess you could say that I’m in a rut and I’m unsure as to how to escape it. My plan is to meditate again though with the long hours I’m working it feels tough to fit that in. I guess the lesson to learn is that any successful journey isn’t taken on a linear path and while that seems cliche sometimes it takes experiencing the cliche to actually understand why something like that has been said before. I plan on continuing my journey and there is a small part of me that feels as though I will do great things….I’m just too tired to tap into that at the moment.

I Sat On a Beach Today and Now I Have No Clue What I Want to Do With My Life. THANKS BEACH, YOU JERK!

I’m back in the weird state where I’m not sure if I’m content or unmotivated anymore. As of late, I’ve been rather busy with work and getting lost on city buses, which is always fun and should be impossible considering cell phones are a thing. There have been a couple of moments where I got to have time stand still a little bit, giving me a chance to take in my surroundings and meditate a little bit.

I took a walk Friday evening, from Cambridge to Boston and got to trek across the Longfellow Bridge giving me one of the more beautiful views of the city I have seen so far and in that walk I got to just enjoy what I was doing because I didn’t have the pressures of time telling me I have to go so I can do something else that night. Or I need to squeeze every hour of enjoyment out of now that I can because I have to work tomorrow. Between a week of training that lead to self-doubt as I took in lots of information that I didn’t really understand followed by a 12 hour shift where I actually had to apply those many hours of knowledge I became rather exhausted and it was nice to have a moment of clear headedness. The full day of work was great. I actually got some reassurance that I can sell even with my social anxiety and I connected with customers and new coworkers but even in that positivity I still grew very tired.

Today I got to close my weekend with an hour or two on the beach where I just sat and meditate and possibly fell asleep but in the time I was conscious I started to wonder about what direction I wanted my life to go in. For a long time I wondered about if writing was what I was “meant” to do or more specifically if fiction writing was what I wanted to do. I found all these signs, like what I enjoyed in childhood and my imagination and took them as surefire signs that I was supposed to do it  but I’m starting to wonder if I didn’t decide I wanted to do that because it would be a cool job and a cool thing to say I did. I’ve lately found it difficult to write fiction and while the process of thinking of a story is fun the process of writing it is monotonous and I find myself only wanting to write for others and not for me. And while I’ve expressed that issue many times I’m starting to wonder if it means I don’t really want to write that type of thing anymore.

I still enjoy writing. I enjoy when a piece flows and I like posting my blog stuff when I can but I don’t know if I actually enjoy writing my 100 plus page stuff. It kind of feels like a crossroads as I search for what I want to do with my life and as I try new things and overcome new fears I guess I’m stuck wondering what my next challenge is because right now the writing thing almost feels forced upon myself. It’s exciting to realize with full consciousness that you might want something new for yourself but it’s frustrating because I have no idea what that new thing is at the moment but, at the very least I got to take a nap on a beach and a seagull didn’t poop on my face so I win the day.

“I’m Really Friggen’ Excited! LIKE, LOOK AT ALL THE SHIT I CAN DO!!!!” “But You Might Fail.” “Oh Yeah. Fuck.”

Today I got a first hand look at how competitive my new job is. Ultimately the company has a measure that they utilize to measure who is good and who is bad. In some ways this isn’t a bad thing because the determinations of promotions and what not are figured in a less subjective way and as a sports fan and former (terrible) athlete I can easily relate to a score as a measure of who is the best. It’s also anxiety provoking. With such a score there are less excuses that can be used depending upon how good the measure is. With less excuses it’s going to make failing hard to handle. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want other people to be seen as better than me and I sure as hell don’t want to fall short. My stomach and back all hurt just thinking about the possibility that I’m not good enough. There’s also a load of self doubt that goes into just seeing the measure. I wish I could be the one to say “I’M GONNA COME IN AND BE THE BEST BECAUSE I’M THE BEST” but that isn’t me. In some ways I’m confident but in others I’m not. I feel as though I know how to execute sales and customer service and all that fun stuff but my anxiety rests upon if I’ll actually do it. I know I keep harping on this but it’s so important. I truly feel as though some pretty strong success is right in front of my face and all I have to do is not be scared and say things that make me uncomfortable from time to time.

The fact that it’s so simple makes it scary. It truly turns it into a me vs me contest. But I’ve added a certain layer of pressure to this. I have this strong desire to be successful as motivation for others. I see other people, especially on Facebook but in my personal life, who struggle with their position in life, anxiety, lack of self belief among other things and I have found recent that I want to succeed to act as a blue print for all the wonderful people I know who are struggling. I want to be able to say to them, “If I can do it you can and here’s how” and actually act as authority relating to it. I do feel I’ve taken a giant leap in recent months and I feel like some tremendous opportunities have come from it and at this point it really is just a matter of taking advantage of the opportunity. Getting the opportunity can sometimes be the most difficult part however executing on the opportunity involves a lot of pressure turning things that are somewhat simple into something more difficult and it all comes back to fear.

My life isn’t perfect at all. I’m not even close to where I want to be but the doors are opening wide and it’s all because I did stuff that was scary. In order to get to where I want to be I must continue to do scary things. It’s hard. I wish I could stop doing scary things. Maybe I can when I get to where I want to go. Maybe the scary stuff will never stop and to some extent that all sucks. But I’m certainly a happier person because of working through scary things. I hope this continues and I hope that someone can see me as an example and maybe even motivation for themselves to do the scary thing because I really everyone to find something better (if their life sucks.)

Today….Fear Fought Back But Tomorrow So Will I. Tomorrow I Will Do the Thing.

Yesterday, I was all excited about the idea of being able to sell and how it ultimately came down to doing things despite the fact that they are scary. Today, I still believe that shit. In fact, I truly believe the key to overcoming nearly anything is just doing something even though it’s scary. I’ll even one up that and say that a majority of issues basically revolve around thoughts that we have and that it’s simply just overcoming the crappy emotion that comes from those thoughts and getting around the hesitancy and fear that comes from thoughts and we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want.

I’ve often thought about taking some of my short stories and just walk around the city and offer different people the story for some small amount of money. Maybe it’d be successful and maybe it wouldn’t at all but the idea is that I can do this. It wouldn’t be hard. It’d be an opportunity to make money for my writing, but the reason I don’t do it is because that sort of thing is scary. I’d get rejected by some. Others would think I’m weird. I may look homeless or something, I don’t know, there’s many reasons I don’t do that. Just like there’s many reasons I don’t do lots of others things but the only reason I do do different things is because of fear and because of the different thoughts I have attached to an activity to creates a hesitancy to do it. That’s why I’m so optimistic about being able to make sales, ultimately I try to get to a place mentally where I don’t give a shit about what the other person thinks of me and I do whatever it is I need to do even if it’s scary.

The reason I write this is not to say the same thing I said yesterday in a different way, it’s to show that while I think this way I am constantly trying to apply it and in the last few days during the training at my new job I have struggled with networking as I am training with around 20 people my own age. I want to share my struggles with it as a contrast to yesterday when I felt excited about the prospect of actually making sales and being able to overcome my issues. With that I feel like I’m close but when I think about how difficult I’ve been finding it to network at an event where I’m constantly around peers, shows that I still have work to do. I don’t know what the issue is. I have had no issues small talking with different people and I can carry on a conversation, especially if it revolves around NBA basketball but for whatever reason I am still having issues with making close connections with people and my ability to start conversations with people I don’t know still needs work. It boils down to me having the courage to say the thing that needs to be said in order to start the conversation. In may head I know that most people don’t give too much of a shit about you so the self judgments I have really mean nothing and I also know that most people just want to be liked so any sort of conversation starter isn’t going to lead to anything but a positive, especially in the setting I’ve been in recently but for whatever reason some of my old insecurities and fears are lingering. The desire to withdraw and sit in my car and play on a phone are still strong and unfortunately I have succumbed to that. This evening I sit frustrated as I have missed an opportunity to make friends in a new area all because I decided to give in to the old me and my old insecurities. I know there will be more opportunities but when my main goal is to overcome who I used to be and to overcome my mental illnesses I can’t help but think it’s a set back but with all that being said, I can’t live in the past. That does me no good. Tomorrow is another day and there will be more opportunity for human connection as there always is and all I have to do is follow my fear and do things in spite of it. I’ve been doing it for the past 6-7 months and I sure as shit can do it again.

Can I Sell Some Shit With Social Anxiety? Sure…But Only If I Say The Thing.

I’m going through training for my new job and for the most part it’s been an enjoyable endeavor. There’s one big but though (HA! I SAID BIG BUT!) I learned the sales expectations for the company I  work in and I can’t help but think that I won’t be able to meet that goals in front of me. Now, I knew that I was getting into a sales position coming into this so the expectations are far from a surprise but it’s really hitting me that I am going to have to sell if I want to keep my job. This is scary because of my social anxieties and I have a small bit of uneasiness (you know it’s small because I’m writing about it and not making an awkward video!)

I must say though that this anxiety I feel is far from abnormal. I am fairly certain that anyone, even those with no social anxieties, feel a twinge of uncertainty when it comes to selling, especially when they are doing it for the first time and it involves a product they aren’t completely knowledgeable about. When I think about it this way it makes it easier because I’m no longer trying to overcome a debilitating mental disease but I’m instead trying to work with an issue that every person deals with. Not only does it make the task less overwhelming, it takes me out of the mindset of being a victim of mental disease and instead it empowers me.

I’ve also learned that the technical aspects of selling aren’t really that difficult. It’s ultimately talking to a person and then making sure to say the things that need to be said to a person. It just means getting comfortable with the possibility that a person may say “no” and know that when a person does it really doesn’t say anything about you as a person. I think there’s a tendency to overcomplicate selling shit because it’s scary. People say that they aren’t a sales person or that they aren’t good at selling but really it just means they haven’t come up with the courage to face rejection and in a way they fear failure. Neither of these things are good and I can certainly tell you this is my major fear as well. Remember, I have Avoidant Personality Disorder so my fear of rejection is massive and just the fact that I could be scared almost gives me a larger panic attack that the actually scary thing itself.

Essentially though, as I sit here scared of the new expectations upon me I simplify sales. The bottom line is I will be scared. It’s okay to be scared and it’s possible to do something that’s scary and the scary thing is ultimately just saying words to a person, which is incredibly easy when you take the mental illness aspect out of it. It’s literally making noise in a way that makes sense to another human. I’ve talked to many, many people in my life…it really isn’t hard. Now can I do it? Well, of course I can, but the question is will I? I certainly hope the answer is yes….we’ll see what happens. But I have to remember that I sold myself to the company and convinced them to hire me. I can certainly convince random dudes to buy some shit.

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