I am terrified every day of my life. And if I had to estimate I would say that I am probably somewhere between anxious and full blown panic attack about 40-50 minutes every hour that I am awake. The good news is I don’t really have nightmares, mostly because I am scared enough during the day to at least my brain gives me a break when I sleep. So what is it I fear? God, everything I guess. At times, I fear something health related.
In the past, I had a sleepless night because I cut myself on a rusty fence and became convinced I had tetanus. I was a child when this happened so I guess my youth gets to take blame for this. However, there was also a moment where I so convinced I was having a stroke in college to the point where I drove myself to the ER and had to schedule a follow up appointment with a neurologist because my leg fell asleep. I also had a mole removed from my thigh within months of moving to my current city and while that in it of itself isn’t terrible, it was when you consider the fact that I had looked at it and became instantly sure it was a melanoma. Even after the dermatologist said it wasn’t a big deal (though she still removed it) I was sure that I had cancer and was soon to die. I also had no health insurance at the time so I had to pay for the procedure out of pocket.
I don’t just freak out for hours because of my health though. My fear goes into other areas too. I have been fearful of going homeless ever since I turned 18. Yes, it’s probably normal for anxiety to creep over one when they sign their first apartment lease but do they lie awake all night and stare at the ceiling and wonder if they just made the biggest mistake of their life? I just believe in weird stuff. Like, I’m going to get a speeding ticket for going one over. I’m going to get fired because a customer gave me a dirty look. No one will ever like me because I’m weird looking and nothing but a strange quiet kid. There’s always something.
The fact is, I probably need therapy or medication or to become an alcoholic. Maybe I could try heroin? I don’t know, I’ve heard it’s a downer so I suppose it would be effective in calming me. But those things all cost money and spending money is scary because it can make me a homeless man and God only knows what type of homeless man I’d be. I bet I’d grow a weird beard and hold up an “End is Near” sign. It’d be kind of cool but I’m not sure if that’s the future I want. Plus, my social anxiety won’t allow me to go near a dope dealer. Not only would I be afraid of him shooting me or giving me too strong of a dose I would also be afraid that he’d think I’m foolish in my heroin buying ways and I don’t want other heroin addicts to judge me.
Since I can’t think of any other way sooth myself, I decided to write about it. And with that there is its own sense of fear. Thoughts like: Who wants to read my drivel?, People probably get annoyed with me constantly trying to share my crap., Someone is going to realize that I am not the greatest with grammar and think I’m an idiot.” will absolutely enter my mind but for some reason I love to share and I love to try to entertain. It’s one of the few areas where anxiety doesn’t control me and with that I hope you enjoy the sharing of my personal terrors and fears. I also hope those that have them realize that they aren’t alone.