So my first blog set me up to be an odd person with stupid fears like “HOLY SHIT! THAT BALLOON JUST LOOKED AT ME WEIRD AND NOW I’M GOING TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK AND DIE!!!!!” and while those do exist I am currently more fearful of something that I would think would cause distress to the majority of people. In one month I am moving to Boston. I have no issue with that city aside from the fact that their sports teams are stupid and I hate them but aside from that it’s a great place. Moving itself is a stressful endeavor and just the idea of lugging a couch up and down the stairs is enough to make anyone stare at a mirror and wonder what the point of existing even is. And the fact that I am moving from a medium sized mid-west to a large east coast city is a hell of an endeavor.
Add to the fact that I don’t exactly have a place to live and when I have one the rent will be about triple what I pay now and the fact that I don’t officially have a job in place. I am being considered for a couple positions which comes with its own excitement. There is an issue with the fact that all the positions I am being considered for are sales related. I have something called Avoidant Personality Disorder, which encompasses different things but at the root of it means I am scared of rejection which will bring its own challenges in a field where you have to learn how to hear the word “no” and realize it doesn’t mean “You smell like shit. You’re ugly. And I hope you die now. Not even soon, like, now. Instantly. Quickly and horribly.”
There are parts of me that don’t want to go. When I was first told that this was where I am to live for at least the next year I was slightly excited but then horrified as I had looked up the prices for rent and I realized that in order to afford this city I was going to have to apply myself to get a job that paid way more than I have ever made. It was a push to leave my comfort zone and while I know it’s a good thing to leave your comfort zone and ultimately that’s what helps you improve….I like my comfort zone. In my comfort zone there’s a bed, a pillow, video games, sometimes beer and sports on TV. My comfort zone isn’t bad. I mean, it’s called a comfort zone after all but there are things that aren’t involved in my comfort zone. Retirement being one. Or vacationing in Europe to see castles and soccer and shit. Or an escape from my fears of losing my money and having no financial security. A buffer from things like my car breaking down or losing my job would it to happen as well. So what I’m saying is that comfort zone is okay but there are better things out there. Another is that I get to leave South Bend, Indiana, which has its own charm. But isn’t Boston.
So this potential move has been painful. I fall asleep each night wondering where my next bed will be and trying to solve the specifics, like, how I’m going to afford a moving truck and then wondering how I’m going to hold up moving furniture when an 8 hour shift of just standing and periodically scratching my knee or something makes me want to sleep for 14 hours straight but it has done something great for me too. It’s pushed me to try for things I previously haven’t tried for and it’s given me an opportunity to make more money than I’ve ever made and live is an awesome place I never thought I would be so I suppose if we’re keeping track, this is an instant where my anxiety isn’t bad. It’s actually been pretty damn helpful and I hope to find other instances where my fears are nothing but fuel to help me be a better person and not something that makes me want to drink a bottle of booze and sleep for long periods of time because only horrible things happen.