Boobies! (aka Drive Bys in Bettendorf)

I had a fear related  blog a few years ago. In an attempt to consolidate all my stuff I will randomly post stuff from that blog just because. Also, it’s an easy ass way to add more content without doing extra work. Let’s start this shit out right. Here’s a thing about boobie! Or Bettendorf, IA (awwww, sad face)


Ok, this article has nothing to do with boobies, though it did get you to click on the article, so it served its purpose (is there anything worse than seeing a link with the title of “Boobies!” and getting nothing but text and a horrible extreme close up of some dude’s face? The answer, or course, is no). I suppose I could have written about my teenage years in which girls terrified me, but that’s impossible because I’m awesome and women love me.

I wish I could also say that I am practically bullshitting this article because I felt no anxiety today. This is also false;  I have felt a whole schmorgesborg of fear. At different times today, I have been afraid of running out of money, my car breaking down, my lease (that’s not up for another year) not getting renewed for some reason and people. The only one that may deserve consideration for a writing topic is the last one. My social anxiety is awful, as the idea of even talking to a person makes me diarrhea all over , which sucks because people are all over (I have to come up with some fear metaphors that aren’t poo-based, otherwise, reading this blog is going to be very long and tedious).  Seriously, you fuckers are everywhere.

I figure what pretty much amounts to extreme shyness isn’t very interesting either, so essentially I am stuck with anxiety still without anything interesting enough to write about. That’s worse. So, what I plan to do on days where my anxiety is focused on more “normal” things is to write about some throwback anxiety. Basically, I’ll take a stupid anxious moment from the past. Today I will focus on my fear of a drive-by shooting in the mostly middleclass city of Bettendorf, Iowa.

I’m not really sure where this fear came from, but I think it was rooted in an old Walker Texas Ranger episode (Ae there new ones?), but I don’t know. (I should be more concerned that I was watching Walker Texas Ranger.) All I know is that the risk of a drive-by occurring in Bettendorf, Iowa is as slim as me not getting diarrhea after eating Arby’s (ok, it’s really got to stop now). The typical neighborhood in  my hometown consists of 3 little kids driving up and down their sidewalks on bikes with training wheels, while a stay at home mom yells at cars for driving too fast. I do know of one shooting occurring in the city’s history (this is all experienced-based as I have no idea what the statistics say). Basically, some crazy guy shot at some empty house for no reason. Scary, but it was so random and weird that the chances of it ever having affected me were very slim.

My fear though was quite extreme. Almost every time I walked anywhere for 4 or 5 years, especially after sunset, I would cringe every time I saw a car of any kind roll by. Even though the driver often turned out to be an 84 year old man, I expected him to pull out an oozie and turn me into something that got shot a bunch of times (without my poo metaphors I am NOTHING!!!). I would also savor every moment when I would walk by a parked car or tree (not as parked, just kind of growing there) and each would give me a nice illusion of safety. The car and house it was parked in front of acted as my own kind of suburban bunker, although I’m not so sure that it’s fair to call it an illusion of safety as the fear itself was also an illusion.


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