Do you ever have the same nightmare over and over again? I actually do not, I just thought that’d be a fun sentence to start this thing with. It’s actually odd. Despite all of my fears I don’t actually have nightmares. Maybe it’s because I’m fearful enough during the day so my brain gives me a break. What happens is bad things happen and I do kind of a lucid dreaming thing and the bad thing turns to good. For example, if a dude is trying to shoot me in the nuts, his gun turns into a hot girl who wants to kiss my face and stuff (I have to keep it clean, my mom might be reading…shit, I’m married. WIFE, REST ASSURED, YOU ARE THE HOT GIRL) Okay, now that I have succeeded in getting myself in trouble I shall move on. My lucid dreaming is kind of like a super power that nobody gives a shit about. If I bragged about my ability to change my dreams in the middle of said dream I would get, at most, a courtesy laugh in a bar. Actually, now that I think about it, do people have the same nightmare over and over again? I honestly don’t know (TELL ME IN THE COMMENT SECTION OF THE BLOG THING SO I CAN FEEL IMPORTANT PLEASE!)
What happens in the world in which I am awake though is different. When I have an awkward conversation I tend to relive it over and over and over again. The conversation plays out the same, basically in the say way in which it happens. I try to change it in my head but unfortunately, since I have no ability to change the past, I can’t change the outcome of the conversation and I get embarrassed and a little anxious about the interaction that took place. And it’s not always and extreme thing. Now, if I had an issue where someone said “Hi” and my pants dropped then my dick fell off or something, I probably would be embarrassed and would relive that interaction repeatedly (I’d also have PTSD or something but that’s a different article) but something as simple as my fly being open and the person I spoke to looked down, or they said “what” after I responded too quietly, or didn’t make the proper eye contact and they noticed, would also elicit a conversation replay. When I do relive one of these conversations, I feel nothing but shame as I didn’t respond like a “normal” person would.
It’s even more frustrating because I realize that I will always seem foolish to that person (who likely didn’t notice the weird thing I did, didn’t care, or was so obsessed over the weird thing THEY did to notice.)
Here’s a fun real world example of this. 25 years ago or so (probably more, I think was around three when this happened) I was at the library with my parents. I thought was with my mom at the time (Hey, two mom shout outs! I don’t know what this means) as we walked around the library looking at all the books and shit, and I got distracted by the Bernstein Bears or something and lost track of her. What happened was intense. I turned around and saw an older woman (well older than me, I was fucking three, bitch) and thought she was my mom. I even called her mom when I tried to get her attention.
The woman then looked right at me and said, “You’re the dumbest fucking kid I’ve ever goddamn seen. If you were my own child I would have left you in the dumpster.” Okay, I’m just Joshin’ (that pun is funny because my name is Josh!) She looked at me and laughed because a confused 3 year old is pretty cute. Especially when that 3 year old was me! But to this day I still will randomly think of that interaction and relive that moment, just wishing I didn’t call that random person in the library “mom” I can only hope that somewhere that woman isn’t sitting in a bedroom thinking about what an idiot I was.