A Rough Day at Work. Also, Perineums and Butt-Cheeks!

Oh boy. Today was a rough one. Now, I’m going to try to write this without getting too emo and without making this too much about me (I mean the blog is about me….so maybe that’s not avoidable…I don’t know. I’ll try to make this interesting.) So maybe every single time I get too ranty and serious I’ll say something funny like “butt-cheeks” or something. We’ll see how this goes.

As I mentioned before, the prospect of moving to Boston from South Bend, IN has been a horrifying one but really the process have been more strenuous than that. The reason we are moving is because my wife is trying to finish her Clinical Psychology PhD and to do so she has to do an internship for a year. This process started with her applying, then visiting different sites by spending money that we really didn’t have (WOOHOO CREDIT CARD DEBT) and then finding out where she’s going. Of course none of these processes went smooth. They both involved loads of doubt and fear that she wasn’t going to be selected at all which would mean no PhD (BUT STILL CREDIT CARD DEBT.) In the middle of all this, her school, who does pay her a small stipend, decided to cut her pay down (there’s more to that story but it really doesn’t matter in this context) so our already thin budget, due to the potential new move, got even smaller. The point of this isn’t to give a weird biography on some woman you don’t know, and probably don’t care about (SHE IS INSIGNIFICANT! I AM THE BEST! Also….butt-cheeks.) It’s to show that there has been a lot of shit going on in my life and with that, a lot of stress. For pretty much every day for the last 6 months I have been experiencing fear over what’s going to happen to my future and I feel like I’m wrapped is some kind of giant twine wire wrapping or something. My chest constantly hurts (IF IT’S CONSISTENT, HAPPENING ALL THE TIME, AND HASN’T KILLED ME YET, IT CAN’T BE YOUR HEART, RIGHT?!), my mind is constantly coming up with the worst case scenarios and for a little bit I didn’t mind the idea of dying. I never went full suicidal. I’m way too scared of that but there was a time period where if it happened by mistake….I wouldn’t have minded. I’m starting to come out of it as things start to get closer to ending but there are still days where the stress and anxiety are much.

I feel like a massive ball of stress ready to pop and explode. There have been many, many trying times at my job where, if I hadn’t been working on my anger lately, I would have exploded. I work at a place that can be very frustrating at time. Management seems to be nonexistent, unless something goes wrong. Passing the buck is more than common and many people don’t seem to care if they do well or not. It’s frustrating because I have been interviewing with other companies and I see different things that seem less frustrating and it’s making me get even more agitated with my current job (Okay. This is getting a little lame….so I have a question DO PENGUINS HAVE DICKS? SHIT, I DON’T KNOW!!!!!! Google that for me and then answer in the comments.) There have been many moments where I could have snapped but didn’t. As of late though, there have been delays in interviews, I’m not hearing back from one of the apartments we applied for and now I’m getting stressed as the goal was to move in about a month and I feel this weird state of gridlock where I’m not going where I want to go. On top of that, I have this strange desire to see my writing take off, like, to a point where I don’t have to work real jobs, and while I see how difficult or maybe unrealistic that is, I still get frustrated to see it’s not booming or something (CALL ME NOW PUBLISHERS!!!! SERIOUSLY, HOW MANY WRITERS HAVE THE NUTS TO SAY “BUTT-CHEEKS!!!”. And that’s adding to the weird stress bubble that already seems to be growing. Now, the next couple of days I finally have interviews but they are big ones. I need a job before I go so I can’t blow these, and because of that fact I feel even more pressure and today, while I wouldn’t say it completely popped, it seeped out a little bit.

I was asked today, by a manager that isn’t directly above me, to do something that I didn’t feel comfortable doing. Now, I was backed by policy when I denied his request but it turned into an huge issue and eventually led to him accusing me of, basically, insubordination. With my understanding of my companies policy, insubordination can lead to termination and while, with three weeks left in my employment there, isn’t a big deal, it’s still frightening when for one, I’ve never been fired. Two, I want to stay in good standing. And three, I could use the remaining money from my current job. So now, the rest of the day I spent freaking out over that situation on top of these two huge interviews I have (well, one I did already) I kind of turned myself into a ball of exhaustion and depression. (I’m taking another time out as this kind of turned into a vent session more than anything.  TACO BELL FARTS!!!! GET THEM WITH YOUR BURRITO! Yeah, that was childish and I can do better than that….oh well.)

I have issues and with my issues, the piling on of everything is getting to be very difficult. I can only hope that things will get better and things will be resolved. I’m sure they will be, it’s just so difficult dealing with the unknown and it’s also difficult to deal with a workplace that just doesn’t suit you at all.  The truth is, life always has rough spots and for me…this is one. I’m hoping, and this is tough as an agnostic leaning atheist, that stuff does actually happen for a reason and that I truly will learn some things and become better at the end of all this. (NOW SHOW ME YOUR TAINTS!!!!  Um, please don’t show me any taints. I’m going to be really upset if I get a bunch of messages with taints in them.)

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