Botulism at Grandma’s: The Remastered Version

*I never do this but this is dedicated to my grandmother, who passed away in 2005. And my grandfather, who is just an awesome guy. Though, I must say, I probably don’t want them to actually read my stuff because I swear a lot. Plus, I have a strange sense of humor that they probably didn’t get. Then again, my grandma was the type of woman who’d probably find a way to get pleasure out of it just because I wrote it.

I used to stay at my grandma and grandpa’s house for a week or so during every summer when I was a kid. (Because that’s what grandkids do and I was a G….kid? I don’t know. Don’t read what I write in parentheses. It’s stupid) They lived in a farm house in the middle of Iowa. There was no cable TV, no video games, no Internet (Of course nobody had this yet as it was yet to be invented.) Also, my grandparents owned one movie, well two actually. I’ll tell you the second in a minute but the first one was the remake of Miracle on 34th Street and because this was the only movie that my sister and I were allowed to watch that she owned, we watched this damn thing 850 times in a week. The other movie that my grandma owned, and let me be clear, she was a very, very sweet Christian woman who wasn’t fond of swearing or acknowledging that things like sex existed, was The Rock. That’s fucking awesome. Now I know that there are some out there that like to romanticize doing nothing because boredom builds character that millennials don’t have nowadays but the fact of the matter is this, doing nothing sucks. There were times where I built lots of character at my grandmothers house. Because of the lack of any kind of mechanical distractions, we had to be creative in finding stuff to keep us entertained. So what we would do is; play outside, watch shitty movie remakes over and over again, play games with my grandparents (This was actually awesome because I loved hanging out with my grandparents.) Oh,  get terrified that I was going to catch botulism.

I went with my grandma to the store and we bought all kind of awesome stuff. Fried food, sugary cereal, ice cream bars and drinks loaded with high fructose corn syrup (I actually have a theory that grandparents aren’t trying to spoil their grandchildren. They are trying to make them catch up to them in age much faster with all the junk food they like to give. It revenge for confusing them with smart phone and chip readers at the grocery store that are never uniform with other stores). One of these drinks was Sunny Delight (And let me say. This drink gets a bad reputation. Mostly because of Dave Chappelle. Now, don’t get me wrong. Dave Chappelle is great. BUT SO IS FUCKING SUNNY DELIGHT. FUCK YOU PURPLE STUFF.) And what happened during this particular store trip was the Sunny D, as the kids used to call it (Ok, everyone called it this) had dropped and some ranch dressing got on the top of it. But I never saw this event take place so I thought the drink had been tainted at the store and was covered in botulism. The thing is though, I didn’t notice the ranch or the dent until after I had a drink the stuff so I definitely sure I was about to die a painful death.

Of course, I panicked but what I did first was ask my grandpa if he had any to drink as well because you see, my thinking was this. If I’m going to die, I hope others are coming down with me. Apparently, I was an asshole when I was 8. The good news is I didn’t get botulism and neither did my grandpa. In fact he is still alive, 86 years old (actually he’s 90 years old now), and functioning like he was 40 years younger (unfortunately this is not the case any longer) I probably won’t be in the same predicament because I drink things like Sunny D.

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