I’m Scared Of Emails. Also, Give Me 10 Dollars…And Something About Butt-Cheeks Again. I Don’t Know What’s Wrong With Me.

I think I’ve touched on how humans seemed to be more condition to immediate responses. Or maybe not, I don’t actually read my stuff after I write it. That’s why there’s so many typos! But I feel like when we send a text we all get a little offended when the person we text doesn’t respond right away. Same goes for a business email, or a normal one I suppose. When you send something you feel is important than you get a little nervous when there’s no response. And when I say “you” I mean me because I actually don’t know what they hell you think. I take my reality and my thoughts and assume that everyone feels exactly the same.

Maybe everyone else in the world sends a text and screams really loud for no reason “I DON’T CARE WHEN ANYONE RESPONDS.” Though I doubt this is true because it seems like a lot of people text frequently and not once have I actually witnessed that. Maybe next time I text I will do this myself. Probably not, my social anxiety (or really just normal recognition of what’s okay to do in public) prevents me from doing that.

Today I sent an email to my new employer asking questions about the new job. I sent the email on a Sunday and at 7:00 am on Monday I had yet to receive a response. Now, the normal thing to think is “Hey! It’s Sunday! Person I am emailing is doing not work things, like eating ice cream, flying kites and sailing!” (evidently I’m emailing a person from the 50’s.) And while I did understand that and didn’t experience too much urgency when I received no response, I did check my email repeatedly. My Sunday was spent with me switching back and forth between writing the beginning of my new novel/book thing (This is an aside. I have a lot of those, I don’t feel writing calling my long, fictional story, with lots of characters a “novel” Mostly because a novel is what good authors, authors who sit in front of type writers and have great mustaches and drink top shelf liquors and say beautiful things about clouds and shit write. I mostly write tell butt-cheek jokes and really hope you enjoy hearing about mustaches.) and checking my email for notices from people who weren’t even working.

The following morning, again, it was early, I still hadn’t received a response and my immediate opinion was that the job that had sent me an offer letter before the weekend began, had now changed their mind because they realized that I like butt-cheek jokes a little too much or something. Of course I received an email within the hour for the hour leading up to it I did have a mini panic attack over this.

You see, this is why I need to make this writing thing a career thing. First of all, the world needs more butt-cheek jokes. I feel like butt-holes and balls get all the recognition and that’s not fair. Butt-cheeks are, like the least gross part of the butt and, I don’t know, the word “cheek” is a little funny (oh God, I’m sorry anyone who reads this.) But second, I have panic attacks because of emails. So what I need everyone to do, is to give me, maybe, ten dollars for my book that isn’t even written yet. I promise it will get done and if it doesn’t, it’s fine. Just think of a story yourself and pretend it’s mine. What’s really is important is the ten dollars to me for no reason. But I don’t want just you to give me the ten dollars, get, say, 10 million people to do the same. At this point I would no longer have to worry about small talk, business emails and I will be wealthy. See, it’s win-win! Do it! If you, and 10 million of you friends have interest in giving me 10 dollars for no reason, um, comment I guess!

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