I was going to do an entry on fear, in general, and write some potentially sappy, optimistic “fear is my friend” thing! And, actually, I do believe that the acceptance of fear and the ability to think about it as an energizer is important but I ended up having a panic attack. In a way, this is good because instead of writing about my ideas I can show case an example of what I mean when I say, “utilize fear an energizing emotion”
Panic attacks suck. I’m not sure I can turn them into a positive thing in anyway. You’re body screaming at you, telling you, you are in danger just doesn’t feel good. It’s been noted many times on this blog that I am in the midst of figuring out how to accomplish a big move and just now I started thinking about how I was going to afford living in this big city. Different potential expenses come to mind and I don’t know the exact amount of money I will be making monthly (and I still haven’t signed a lease for an apartment) and this is making more than just uneasy. As of this moment, I can feel all the energy in my chest. There’s this constant tightness and elevated heartbeat sitting just behind my sternum and it’s been there for about 10 minutes now. On top of that, I’m having racing thoughts and none of them are good. Well, maybe some of them are good, they are some that at least make an effort towards planning how I’m going to do this, but even they are just thoughts with good intentions. They aren’t really helping me plan shit. They’re like an annoying person telling you that eating the giant cheese burger you are about to eat is unhealthy. I already know this, you are not providing any information, so, maybe, just say nothing. But there are also other thought happening. The big one is that I will be evicted because the rent is too expensive and I will be fired from my new job because I can’t do it.
The best feeling I had though, was for about 5 minutes I sat at my computer desk not thinking about anything (I know that’s pretty much the opposite of having racing thoughts but this thing has gone on for a few minutes now.) For multiple minutes, I sat staring out my patio door window but I really wasn’t looking at anything. I wasn’t even thinking about anything my mind was blank but not in a relaxing way, kind of in the same way a deer is when he just stares at you as you are driving towards it.
A strange thing happened. I didn’t fear my panic attack (don’t fear it, I’m still having it right now) but I got excited. I was all “I HAVE A BLOG ABOUT FEAR! LET’S WRITE ABOUT THE PANIC ATTACK BECAUSE IT’LL BE SOOOOOOOOOO REAL!!!!!!!” So that’s what I did.