Am I Born To Do This? I’m Not Sure I’m Born To Do Fucking Anything. Oh God, That Title Got a Little Emo. Sorry, Are We Destined To Do Anything Though? Or Does Shit Just Happen?

I like sports and if you don’t, please don’t be too concerned, this isn’t really about sports. If you want to listen to me ramble about that you can probably follow my twitter or Facebook page. I do that on those platforms plenty. But throughout my life I basically heard that not just anyone can be a professional athlete, you pretty much have to be born with some kind of innate skill and also work hard to cultivate that skill.

When I read authors thoughts and opinions on writing (I almost said “other authors” but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. There’s no way I feel comfortable categorizing myself with successful published writers. It’s an insecurity need to get past) there’s certain level of confidence they seem to have in themselves, almost as if they have always been natural writers. I’ve heard stories about how when they were kids they’d fill their notebooks and read every day. There’s other stories too. The point is, there seems to be this built-in implication that anyone who writes for a living was kind of handpicked to do so. I’ve seen people claim, when it comes to their occupation that they were “born to do this.” Shit, I don’t feel born to do anything. It makes me think that I’m not really meant to do anything exciting. The things I naturally like to do are watch sports, drink beer (I may have been born to do that I guess) and play video games. If there were no consequences to anything and I had unlimited income I’d probably do those three things often.

Theirs is literally nothing occupationally that I feel I am destined to do. The reason writing feels fascinating to me and the reason that I want to do it starts with the fact that I love stories. I had a very active imagination when I was young. I played with my action figures often, I created numerous superheros and I would pretend that I was the hero going on different adventures. In a way, I was always creating stories, just with no real form and just to entertain nobody buy myself. When I got older I realized a few things about myself, first of all, I always liked to be entertaining. Weather it’s telling jokes or presenting something in a potentially theatrical way (aka, I’m a bit of a drama queen) I kind of like being the center of attention. On the other hand, I have the whole social issues thing that prevents me from outgoing in any sort of way so I came to the conclusion that writing kind of works with both of those. The more I watch film, read books, watch a play, read comics or intake any other form of story I started to realize that I enjoy the art of storytelling. I love to watch characters develop as though they’re real people and think it would be incredible if I did so myself. I have put in a decent amount of time writing and think that I have gotten better over the years and my dream is to do if for a living but I don’t feel destined to do it and I don’t feel like it’s an innate part of me. I feel as though it’s a skill that I’ve worked on and developed for a long time and it’s still not great. This puts me at a crossroad. Am I ever going to get to the point where I am a really good writer? Is it just that I haven’t put in the time? Or is it that I won’t get there because I’m not innately talented and this is what freaks me out. I have put a decent amount of hope into this dream, I’ve put a lot of work and emotion into it and there’s a small (okay, it’s big) part of me that fears that I’m wasting my time. And that brings me to another concern. Why am I writing? Is it for some noble purpose? Or is it because I want to find a way to make money? Sometimes I struggle to answer that. The dream of sitting in coffee shops just typing away at a computer instead of getting yelled at by customers or doing stuff to make a sale is very great. The fantasy of getting recognition and attention when I’ve spent a lifetime as anonymous and always begging for ways to make new connections to people is strong too but I worry that is all I want.

But there I times I analyze a movie for no other reason than it’s fun to do. I have gotten lost in daydream stories even as a grown man. I have tasted what it’s like to be emotionally connected to a fictional being and want to replicate that for someone else because there is a certain magic to a good story and there’s a certain thrill to the idea of being the one to create that magic. And so I wonder, maybe the desire is there and I just deny myself from truly feeling it because adult life is so focused on survival and paying bills and maybe if I work at it maybe the dreams I seek actually are there and if not….well, maybe I can entertain one or two of you anyways.

 

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