I’ve been thinking a lot about fear. Just in case it wasn’t noticed by the fact that this entire blog is focused on it. I mean, every time I post a link too it there’s a picture of me doing some weird face thing showing that I’m pretty fucking scared.
Wouldn’t it be strange if we made horror movie type fear faces when it came to anxious thoughts? Like, you’d go, “Oh shit! Did I forget to pay my electric bill on time!” And then do some kind of hands on the face, like the painting The Scream, sort of thing.
My initial reason for doing this blog was to give me a way to process my fear. Also, because I might be a bit of a narcissist and feel my words are the greatest and part because I like when people push “like” on things I do of Facebook because attention fucking rules. But the initial reason was because I figured by writing about my fear in an open and honest way I would eventually rid myself of it. I feel as though often I fall into the trap of looking at anxiety as though it were the bad guy but the more I think about it there’s no way this is true. What is anxiety exactly? It’s basically the body throwing some adrenaline and shit out there to startle your ass into not being eaten by bears and other things that want to murder you and eat your ass. And when I say, “eat your ass” I don’t mean lick your butthole, though I suppose being murdered and then having something do that would be some horrible cherry on top of an awful situation. I mean murdering you and then eating you. I really should have left the “eat your ass” part out because now it’s all confusing and there’s a weird tangent about butthole licking that you probably didn’t click on this thing for. Plus, you are probably also thinking of a bear licking a dead dude’s anus and that’s just not pleasant…..
Okay, now that that happened, my point is that the fear is there to help keep you alive.
Ultimately, it’s this really cool thing that your body does to make sure you survive and because of this, there is no reason to look upon it as though it’s an enemy and you certainly don’t want it to go away. What I’ve been attempting to do as of late is instead of trying to fight anxious thoughts, when I feel one coming on, I try to use it to my advantage. For example, throughout the course of my job interview process I was nervous as hell for each interview but instead of going “I’m scared. It’s all over” and then punching the interviewer in the face out of sure panic (which would have hurt and been pointless and possibly expensive because I did most of interviews by Skype) I took the energy and made myself more conversational then I typically would be and eventually got a job offer.
It’s kind of fascinating when you think about how there’s a lot of money spent on energy drinks and coffee because people do seem to feel tired all the time yet they also walk around stressed. They then fight that stress which seems to cause fatigue when instead, properly utilized stress is kind of like free coffee and that’s good because Starbucks is damn expensive. After a week of Starbucks you realize you’re spending too much and that ends up stressing you out and it’s a whole terrible cycle. I will continue to write stuff on here. I still have weird fears all the time but I am hoping that my reaction to the weird fears changes and this turns into more of a “hey, let’s laugh at that goofy thought thing” instead of “I’m depressed because I can’t make myself comfortable sort of thing.”