I’m struggling with my attempt to get myself a creative career. I don’t just mean that it’s difficult to get your name out there and provide the right type of content to get people to care and not just because you have to constantly create in order to get people to care. That’s all difficult and those are issues I struggle with on their own. It’s hard to get myself to create something for public consumption when it’s not clear if they care.
But that’s kind of the point. If I am producing something with the idea of someone else caring I truly don’t feel as though I’m putting my best into the work. I write words hoping it’s funny so someone can laugh. I write a story hoping that someone else will fall in love with my character and, while, there are times I completely get into the work and live in the moment, I can’t help but wait until I post the article or story onto a thing and see if people respond to it positively. What can happen is I make a rushed product that doesn’t have the quality that I want.
The idea of creating for a career creates a level of stress because it’s putting myself in a mindset of needing approval of others. I have to market myself and share and write words you like and maybe not say things I would like to say because I need readers and it’s gotten to the point where that’s why I do it. It’s turned into a job that I don’t get paid for.
I’m examining myself more and more and I’m trying to get to a point to where this is fun and it is at times, I sit with a blank piece of paper (well, a digital version) and write the weird stuff that comes to mind. That’s why I’ll end up talking about bears licking butts, and it’s working to an extent. In fact, the latest article that I did this with got some comments and interaction that I’m looking for. It’s weird, the more I create for myself the more others seem to enjoy it. There’s pressure to do that but at the same time I’m still focused on the prize. I still want the career in entertainment and in creating so I can’t escape the mindset of “do this for other people.” It’s a weird conflict and I wonder if it would still be there would this not be an individualistic, capitalistic society where we are trained to do everything to please others, especially if you want to be successful financially. Heck, the idea that you must be successful financially is a stresser in it of itself. Not just because you want to eat food, that’s fun to do and important, but it’s communicated that if you are poor you are fucked up and stupid so that’s something that sits in my mind too as I try so hard to create as a career.
My goal is to make writing fun for me. My goal is to do this for me. My goal is to get lost in what I do but still share because I want to live a certain way that working mundane jobs keeps me from doing. But hopefully that thought doesn’t inhibit me.