Alcohol is a thing I have used on many, many occasions to help with my anxiety. When I first drank I would feel the tightness in my chest dissipate quickly after a sip or two. After that stopped but my first go to would be desiring a drink to make it end. I was more addicted to the calm feeling than I was the buzz itself.
Now, I never once would have classified myself as an alcoholic. According to this random website I found https://medlineplus.gov/alcoholismandalcoholabuse.html (and I know it’s legit because it says medline PLUS!) I never met the symptoms of being one (IT GIVES ME SOMETHING TO STRIVE FOR I GUESS!) but it always unsettled me to know that I would attempt to use booze as a coping mechanism. It frustrates me that when I go out with a group of people, it isn’t until I have multiple drinks that I open up and become talkative. I really don’t like something else or someone else being in control and in this circumstance, the one in control is booze (Duh, thanks for point that out to me. I mean trust your readers a little bit you control freak dick head.)
(Well, that was unnecessary.)
(No, it wasn’t, you always overstate a thing and it’s insulting.)
(I’m sorry, I meant nothing of it. I just want to make sure my point is clear. I’ll work on it for the future.)
(That’s all I can ask for. And, yes, the dick head thing was probably a bit much)
Okay, wow, that got really weird. Back to the thing I’m actually writing about. I’ve always had a weird association with alcohol. I actually don’t think it’s all bad. Its use can be associated with fun and that’s okay. I even wrote a novella about it (IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN IT….WELL, I NEED TO ACTUALLY PUBLISH IT FIRST. FOR 1,000 DOLLARS YOU CAN READ IT!!!!! Or, you know, just say nice things about me and I’d probably give it to you. Or don’t say nice things…you know? I’m desperate to have people read it. Just let me know if you want to I guess) where I attempted to portray booze in a more convoluted sort of way. I don’t like the PSA statement of “alcohol is bad!” because I do have a lot of positive memories in which I was inebriated and I’m not really ashamed of them because it was a part of my life and it was fun. But I can’t also ignore the negative effects that alcohol can have on a person.
I’ve reached a point though, where I don’t see as many fun effects of drinking aside from enjoying a craft beer. At best, I get tired, at worst I am hungover for a couple of days and being sick all the time doesn’t bring my joy. I’m attempting to find a “high” for lack of a better word, through things like meditation, writing and positive thinking. In recent days I’ve reached some pretty awesome moments of euphoria and….to be honest, it kind of reminds me of the early days of drinking. What I’m clear on is that anything can be addictive…..and if that could happen in this situation, are there negative effects to being addicted to things that could be perceived as good. Am I going to come home one day to family members going, “Josh, you know, you’ve been meditating too much and quite frankly, the amount of compliments you gave your father the other day are very unsettling.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I kind of want to give drinking a bit of a break. I kind of already have lately, though there have been a few weekends where I let loose but I don’t exactly want to go, “I’m never drinking again.” I kind of feel like the declaration of giving up something still gives that thing a bit of control. I want to give myself the freedom to do something but maybe just not do it. I don’t know. I’ve still had some fun doing different things while drunk but maybe I can find new ways to lessen my inhibitions that do a little bit less damage on my liver.