Yesterday I talked about how an attempt to stay present and meditation are techniques I’m attempting to help with my mental health and I touched on how they are kind of a replacement for drinking. I also noted a fear of those tactics having a similarity to drinking in their addictive quality. I think I’ve already seen some of the issues with using meditation at the very least.
Now, it’s very possible that I’m not implementing it properly. Today I have been feeling anxious at times, which is usual if you didn’t know that by now, and after I got home from work I had a mini panic attack. My first though was to utilize meditation to get rid of it. I think there’s an immediate issue with this thought process, first of all I’m trying to implement an element of control to something that really can’t be controled. I lied in my bed getting impatient immediately because it wasn’t going away and I started to find myself impatient with meditating altogether because it wasn’t giving me the results had I been enjoying recently. Now, this really makes no sense because the way I meditate I basically sit there and attempt to “watch” my thoughts. I don’t try to direct them anywhere, I just try to watch them float but the thing is anything your brain produces constitutes a thought so even if I tried to control them technically this would just be a floating thought. On top of that, impatience with myself still would qualify as a thought so what it goes back to is I was not feeling relaxed and comfortable yet but that isn’t the reason I meditate, at least it’s not the reason I want to. The entire idea is to become comfortable with being present and even my negative thoughts and emotions. I want to accept that scary things still come from me and I’m a pretty cool cat. I’m becoming addicted to feeling good and not to experiencing the moment and that lead to a less than productive and pleasant meditation session.
The fact is, I want awesome things. I want my hard work in association with writing and my career to lead me to financial success. I want my work with my social anxiety to lead to rewarding social situations and I want this newfound attempt at mindfulness to eliminate my anxiety altogether but what I’m forgetting is patience. When I get too focused on these things I’m focused on the future and not the now. Technically, life is always lived in the now as it’s physically impossible to live my life elsewhere so I need to refocus into the now and into enjoying whatever I can in the moment.
I feel this entire thing was a tad new-agey and weird (at least weird if you know me) but it’s where I’m going as a person and this type of thinking has transformed me from a hopeless, depressed person in January to a person who is nearing some-type of growth and comfort with himself just five months later.