I’m feeling a little too content. I do this huge move to a city that has more people than the state I am from (Iowa!). I’ve written about it, many times, and each time I’ve told you I’m terrified. Now I’m sitting here feeling kind of safe. I feel like I’m actually going to pull this off and make it happen. On top of that, I’ve been doing really well with my social anxiety. I’m having conversations with strangers at work, talking to new employees like I’ve known them for a while and asking people I’m close to for help with the things I need help with. All of that sounds kind of like normal conversation but there was a point in time where the deepest conversation I would have with the people I was closest to revolved around who I thought would win the whatever division in whatever sports thing that was happening during that season.
Right now, I am just hanging out, reflecting, on what is about to take place in my life and what I am about to leave and I don’t have tightness in my chest, I only have thankfulness, a little sadness, and a lot of excitement. My productivity in my creative writing is at a place it hasn’t been in a long time. I write because I have a kick ass story in my head and I want to see how it plays out, not because I need to cash in on in financially. It’s fun to do for me right now (except for the awful back pain. That part sucks. I need to come up with a comfortable way to write but aside from that the story creation has been very enjoyable.)
One would think that I’d be satisfied. I have overcome the months of stress that started with a night where I sat on my Kindle and googled “painless ways to die.” (okay, just confessing that….did stir up a little fear and emotion. I do want to say that I don’t think I would have done anything to harm myself but just the idea that it entered my mind kind of shows the place of desperation I was in. Also, I didn’t actually sit on my Kindle. If I could search for something that specifically with my ass then that’s impressive and really, there’s no reason to be afraid because I have a talent and I’d be a YouTube star or something. It was in my hands the entire time.) Since then, though, I have taken many measures to change my life and change how I see the world. I’ve also gained a belief in myself. And it’s awesome to go from that to an awesome moment of content but….I don’t completely trust it. I feel like the other shoe is about to drop. I feel as though tomorrow morning I will find something to scare me or all this comfort will feel fake. Or I’ll do something stupid with my content. Like, I’ll be okay with where I sit financially at the moment and then overspend. It’s like I’m not really content because I still don’t completely trust myself. What I need to latch onto though isn’t the fact that it could be like this forever. I need to accept that I will break down again. I will get anxious again and I will get depressed again. I also need to latch on to the idea that I will get through it because I’m the fuckin’ tits!
This kind of got heavier than I expected….maybe tomorrow I’ll write about how much googling the word “aardvark” makes my balls shrivel or something.