I had yet another issues with depression and anxiety last night. It sucked butt.
But first, let’s ask….what does sucking butt entail? Is it, like, sucking on a butt cheek? I think there couldn’t be worse things than that. A butt cheek is just part of the leg. I mean, it can get kind of sweaty and maybe some poo particles float in that direction but I think most people’s mouths would be more gross to suck, not all of course but some. An armpit would be pretty sick. Even back sweat. I don’t know, necks would be even more disgusting than sucking the butt cheek. Now, if it’s sucking between the butt cheeks we got something going here. Basically, I need more context about what “sucking butt” means before I determine if it’s a good analogy for things being really bad. Now, back on topic.
A few days ago I wrote about how I was afraid of the calm because I didn’t trust it. Last night was the think I feared was coming. I feel like I’m either content or I feel horrible. There’s no…dull depression or anxiety that I can kind of ignore. I suppose that’s the trait of anxiety though.
I was mostly getting frustrated because in my attempt to improve my mental health I am trying to find content from within and not get my validation from outside sources (which, if you kind of think about it contradicts the idea behind me writing about this stuff….so….don’t think about it!) and I was getting upset because my wife is having going away gatherings for her as we move and because I have really bad social issues that have kept me from getting close enough to people to where they have going away gatherings for me. I ended up being more upset at myself for being upset about this than being upset about the lack of the gathering thing.
But that brings me to an issue I am having. Yes, I think it’s important that you find love for yourself and find contentment from within yourself and I do believe that doing so does make it easier to form connections with other people I do get a little confused. Human’s need connection to others. I’m no evolutionary scholar in fact, I don’t even know if evolutionary scholar is a thing or a way to describe someone who studies evolution but I’m lazy so that term stays, but I’m pretty sure human survival depended upon human’s abilities to form social relationships and stick together. So feeling sad that I have not formed many close connections does seem like a sensical thing thing to do.
I guess what it boils down to is, in leaving South Bend, Indiana, a place I have lived in for over 5 years, I feel as though I have again failed in building up a healthy social circle. I never had it in middle school, high school, college, and now South Bend and I fear that as I move to my new city I will again fail and be the same person I always have been and that same person is a constant miserable wreck. Having said that, I do need to accept that there will be feelings of uncomfort and sadness and anxiety. It’s part of the human experience and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Ugh, I feel like every time I try to think about my mental health and what needs to be done to fix it and it seems like I spin in circles trying to wrap my head around what true mental health is so since I won’t be about to solve this issue today I’m going to change tone a bit.
In keeping with the what does, “suck butt” mean theme…..I should have gone to grad school and that paper should have been my thesis. THE ETYMOLOGY OF “SUCK BUTT” That thesis would have been incredible…..I wonder about another insult that was utilized in my youth.
“Fart-knocker.” What the hell does that mean? How does one knock farts? I guess my mental image is some dude holding a baseball bat behind a bent over guy and when the bent over guy lets one rip the guy with the bat swings and knocks the fart into next week! But that doesn’t really sound insulting. It’s weird….but insulting? I don’t know. The next thing I can think of is the vibration of butt cheeks that occur with a very audible fart. And, I can see that in an insulting way. Actually, it’s kind of creative if it was invented by a 3rd grader on a playground or something. So if that’s what that term means, I tip my hat to you random 3rd grader who is now probably 30 something. I hope your life has worked out for you. Maybe we can be friends?