Guess what I am going to talk about again. The fact that me moving from South Bend to Boston is scary! You get to deal with it because it’s been a constant stressor in my life for 6 months now! Yay you! Okay, you don’t have to deal with shit. You could just not read this crap but please do. I like the attention and I’m pretty rad.
I am moving in about a week. Moving sucks, a lot. I don’t think anyone enjoys it. The fact that I am moving from a one bedroom apartment to a studio makes it worse because there’s no room for any of my stuff. If I take too much to Boston I will be screwed because I don’t know anyone in that city so I’d have to pay for a storage thing that I can’t afford. That would suck because Boston is expensive enough.
Since I’ve been packing I’ve gone through a whirlwind of emotions. I’m still terrified of not having enough money and the fact is, I’ve put a decent amount on credit cards and had to borrow money from my dad, all of which put me at a lack of ease, which is understandable. I fear that I won’t be able to pay off the credit cards (even though my new thing is positive thinking. I go YAY JOSH, YOU WILL PAY OFF THE DEBT! BECAUSE YOU ARE THE TOPS! My mind is from the 30’s because nobody in current society describes things as being “the tops.) but the positive thinking doesn’t always work. At some point I want money in the bank instead of pretending I will someday. Also, I feel a sense of shame in borrowing from my parents, like, I’m 31, why do I have to do that?
The need to have money ,and the shame as well, has motivated me and for the most part that’s good. As I’ve said before, it’s made me apply for and get a job that pays more than I’ve ever made and also it’s made me write a lot. The problem is, I am tearing through a novel I’m writing because I am telling myself that if I finish by the end of the week, I can sell it and it can be a best seller thing! Look, it’s good that I’m writing more than I’ve ever written before but the insane expectation has caused nothing but stress. Every time I’m not clicking a keyboard I am telling myself I’m wasting time. It really doesn’t help with the self-esteem and the present thing I’m trying to do. So, since finishing a novel and making it a best seller in two days is probably impossible the thing I encourage all you to do is share this and make it viral and, I don’t know, fake money will fall from the sky I guess. I’ve heard views on things mean money but it’s probably more complicated than that.
I guess I’m not going to pull out gobs of money out of my….you know, I’m trying to avoid butt-realted analogy things (I should probably learn grammatical terms seeing as I’m a fucking English major. Oh well, I half assed it and graduated with a C+ average. Hurray for motivation! What’s sad about this is it’s not like I did something cool, like partied all the time. A really good cocaine story or something would at least be interested. Maybe I could talk about that time I accidently tried meth but no I just played too many video games and followed sports a little too closely. I can probably do a play by play of the 2007 NBA playoffs by memory but…nobody wants to hear that shit. Ugh.) Where was I? I go on too many damn tagents, it’s so distracting. Oh yeah! I’m not going to pull money out of my hat! Like a top hat! Because that’s a thing I wear! Man, I really want a magical money top hat now. Someone get me one. Send it to me through email or something. I don’t know, make it work.
I wonder if I’m pretty enough to sell my body on Craig’s list? I’ll check with the wife to see if that’s okay….sorry, still trying to figure out the pulling money out of the hat thing.
Speaking of the wife, the other issue I’m having with this is in moments I get a tad frustrated because I didn’t exactly ask for this move. I’m doing it because she applied to Boston because it fits the psychology thing she does, which is cool. It’s a big accomplishment for her to work with the place she’ll be working but they don’t pay much and I’ve had to stress forever in trying to figure out how to pay to live in this city. Again, though, it worked out because it pushed me to succeed.
What it all goes back to is I fear making it work financially. But, I have utilized that fear to accomplish some things, or at least get the opportunity to succeed. It’s just, shit’s overwhelming right now. I feel stress in my ribs, chest, back, dick somehow, not quite sure how that works but it’s there I guess and honestly I just want it to end. After many months of intense anxiety that’s all I want. I guess it’s almost over. But it really isn’t because it’ll just be on to something else I suppose but I kind of would appreciate a new fear, something to spice it up a bit. Maybe I’ll fear aliens castrating me in my sleep or something.