I feel like I’m trying to force things to happen. Patience isn’t my virtue. I want to do things with others in mind and that includes my writing. Ideally, I write everything I write not just for myself, but for everybody. I want to take the mentality of not writing so you’ll like me but writing because I have something awesome to say. I want to speak to people not for the selfish reason that one could want human companionship but because I can connect with and help people.
In a way, this seems admirable. I’m thinking not about myself and not writing for my own success but for something bigger but in another way it seems a little conceited and a little self-righteous too. That mindset, if taken the wrong way, could almost be taken as me thinking of myself in such a big way that is kind of arrogant. One could easily ask, “Who are you to think you’re writing can change the world?” My answer is, I don’t know. I don’t know if it can. That takes a belief in myself that takes years to build. But I do believe that with the right kind of passion, what I have to say could connect with people and I’m hoping that’s what happens. But it takes a lot to change from writing to myself to writing for others.
I don’t completely feel like I’ve made that transition. As I write this I still am thinking, “I hope ‘they’ like this. I hope I don’t fuck up my words. My grammar will suck. Dude, your grammar always sucks. Stop relying on spellcheck to fix your issues.” And it stresses me out because I don’t feel like it’s coming naturally. I don’t feel like I’m good enough, not just at writing, but as a person to be selfless and to connect with and serve people. I also feel like I’m not really doing things for other people, I may do actions for other people but I’m doing it for myself and to get myself to a better place and there’s this annoying conflict going on within my brain.
It has created some physical symptoms within myself. All day long I’ve had the good ole’ tightness in the chest that people get from anxiety but I’m hoping it’s kind of a cleansing thing. Like, my body is fighting to keep its old identity as I change the way I’ve seen the world for many years.
Okay, my last few entries have been a little too serious. So I’m going to stream of consciousness some kind of a joke. Okay, I’m not clever enough to come up with a joke just on a whim I guess. I don’t know why. Maybe there’s too much pressure so instead I’m just going to say, “tittyfart.” I’m sorry I had to do that it’s just I’ve gone so long without saying anything juvenile so I had to make up for it. Tittyfart all you slutbutts.