Today I officially begin moving from South Bend to Bostonish area. There are a lot of emotions going through me at the moment. Some of it is sadness, though, for the most part I have moved on from that. I’ve said my goodbyes and have been processing everything that’s happen since I’ve moved here. I have six years of memories here and moving on from them is a bittersweet venture even if the Boston area is technically better than South Bend.
I’m still overwhelmed with the thoughts of “what if I don’t make it?” I still feel as though so much can go wrong and my lack of pure faith in myself keeps me from realizing the awesomeness that living in Boston could give. There are so many opportunities and things to do that I should be thrilled but the numbing fear that I always possess is still there despite my best efforts to remain positive.
I want guarantees I guess. Instead of just recognizing the fun of the unknown I want to know, for a fact that everything will be fine. I want to know that this living spot will produce all the things that I want in a place and then I want to know for sure that I actually wanted those things in the first place because there is a part of me that goes, “well, I may get what I want. I may get financial success. I may even have an extremely fruitful social life but because it’s me, I will still be anxious over something because I am always anxious.” I am struggling with the notion that nothing is guaranteed and it is turning what should be an exciting day into one that scares me. On top of that, I identify so strongly with being an anxious person that I’m scared it will never leave.
There’s also the actual physical move that causes a little stress, though that stress doesn’t match the bigger stress that I have with my strong desire to succeed. The idea of lifting a lot of heavy things, mostly on my own, isn’t really a fun one and the I am slightly petrified (can you be slightly petrified? Feels a tad oxymoronic.) over driving a large truck in a heavy traffic area so even that though brings about stress. I have this desire to watch my blog or something take off immediately, giving me millions of dollars (yes, I know that a blog isn’t going to make me millions but that doesn’t really stop me from believing that on a small level) so I can just hand someone money to do all of it for me. Of course, that idea is extremely ambitious but there’s a part of me that is actually working towards it as though it’s a feasible goal. I have been driven to exhaustion in the last few days by obsessively checking out this blog, seeing if it’s gone viral yet. Of course it hasn’t and it pretty likely that it won’t, at least not by tomorrow, and so I wish I could escape this notion and focus on the awesomeness that I’m about to embark on. In fact, I feel like this obsession with making this thing take off is driving me to a level of avoidance of the emotion that I should be feeling and experiencing in the moment and to an extent it’s keeping me from doing what needs to be done in relation to the move. It could even be keeping me from good work, that would lead to a successful blog because I’m so obsessed with external validation and rewards that I am forgetting about what makes good writing in the first place. Basically, I’m half writing from my soul and half writing from a place of anxiety about the world around me and I’m not exactly sure it’s producing the best content.
I’m also nervous because I’m not sure how much longer I’ll have internet for a bit so I won’t be able to write as much as I think though that could change. Starbucks and other coffee shops exist. Maybe I’ll sit in a parking lot and blog. My current effort is to embrace the unknown and trust that all of this will be incredible because I have the ability to make it so but in this current moment….I’m not feeling it.