Here’s an update on my moving! IT STILL IS STRESSFUL. IT’S STILL TOO DAMN EXPENSIVE. AND IT STILL INVOLVES TOO MUCH SITTING IN A CAR AND ME LIFTING HEAVY THINGS!
Okay, that’s out of the way. As I sat in our truck driving 4 hours there was ample opportunity to have all kinds of horrible thoughts bounce around in my head. If you’ve been reading this regularly, which has there seem to be people who have and shout out to you dudes, you friggen’ rule, you know that the scary thoughts camping out in my brain is a thing. If you haven’t been reading regularly….dude it’s called SCAREDDUDE.COM….PAY ATTENTION. Because these thoughts were overwhelming and because I find it challenging to write in a moving car and I certainly can’t actually move furniture when I’m in the middle of Illinois and don’t live in the middle of Illinois I decided to meditate.
I’ve been dabbling in meditation as of late and while I don’t really know what I’m doing I do find a level of peace in just sitting there and letting my thoughts drift around in my brain instead of getting stuck in one spot. It was during my meditation that I wrote Thanks Retail. You’ve Molded Me Into a Different Dude. Which I’ve received the most views for, the best feedback for and quite honestly, was the easiest piece I’ve had to write thus far. It’s helped me really tap into my creativity and helped me ground myself a tad. But today during my meditation I feel like I amped it up a bit. I started feeling a separation between my thoughts and I like I’ve never felt before. I envisioned them floating around me, instead of being too attached to me but I did so without actually seeing them in picture form in my head. I feel this is difficult to describe. But I also got in touch with something that almost felt bigger to me. Almost like a higher power, which I kinda sort of don’t really believe in so it was really strange. Here’s how I can describe it.
When I get really, really anxious about something, like say, I don’t think a check is coming for whatever reason. In this situation I have convinced myself that this paycheck is not coming in…..and then it does…..there’s a sense of relief that feels marvelous. In fact this relief is so strong I almost feel like the reason I’m so anxious is so my body gets to feel that sense of relief. That relief is so addictive that it kind of makes me an anxious person but today I tapped into that feeling and focused on that feeling while I meditated and on top of that I focused on not one thing being the cause of that relief but ALL things being the cause of that relief. Okay, that doesn’t really make sense upon second reading but I’m going to keep it because it looks deep as fuck. Basically, I was able to convince myself that something, either the Universe as a higher being, some random dude as a higher being or just myself as going to take care of me and no matter what happens with this move or thereafter, I will be okay. It was this feeling of connection with….whatever…safe feelings maybe? Maybe something more? That drew me to a level of comfort and makes me think that I’m getting a handle on this meditation thing. Now, I still had my typical feelings of self doubt, impatience and physical discomfort that I get with my anxious moments but I feel like I’m improving in terms of getting myself to a grounded level and that so fucking dope I can’t even describe it.