Every moment I sit in silence, another anxious thought enters my brain. I come up with a new thing I feel will needs paid for and think of ways it will fit into my budget. I do it again, and again and again.
I’m worried that a source of income actually won’t be coming in even thought there’s proof towards the contrary. I think the worst part about moving is the down times. Yes, the heavy lifting is hard but at least if feels though something is being worked towards. As I sit in the vehicle driving all I can do is try to figure out is if I can make it in this new place. There’s an exhausting back and forth of excitement and self belief followed by nerves and self doubt. The venture itself is very tiring and that in turn causes more anxiety because I need energy to physically move.
Time feels against me as well. I had to drive in the opposite direction of my destination to drop off some of the WAAAAAAY TOO MUCH SHIT I OWN. Basically, on the way to Boston I stopped in Iowa from Indiana which, if you know how direction works….is the wrong way. Doing this was still cheaper than putting junk in a storage shed but it still creates a conflict vs time as I feel like there’s very little. The positive side of this, though, was a I get to see family I may not be able to see for some time as I will be living on the coast and this does make the trip worth it even if it doesn’t dissipate my stress and anxiety. But if I had driven to Boston and done my complete move I’d be anxious about something else anyways.
I’m just so fed up with the constant tightness in my chest and the uncomfortable thoughts in my brain constantly sitting there. But on the other hand, the constant fear makes it feel as though something big is about to happen and I know there are going to be some wonderful opportunities that await me. And with this there’s excitement which makes me wonder if it isn’t the move itself that scares me or even if it’s the fear of not having the money to survive but the anticipation of what awaits that causes the nerves. Or maybe, it’s possible, that I’m not 100% nervous, I may be a little excited but I’m not aware that some of this excess energy is just that.