I’ve read and looked into a few self help books the last few months, among other things. Now, I don’t give 100% authority to such things and there’s some things the writers and speakers have you do that are a little bit weird. I’m really not sure how I feel about things like positive and negative vibrations and how the universe is the organic entity that wants you to succeed. That aspect of it feels made up and very close to religion, which I don’t exactly connect with, however, I let myself get into the mindset of someone who believes in such things and it did motivate me to overcome certain fears and develop a bit of confidence in myself. Some of the people who do the self help, motivational speaker, life coach thing do seem to have an understanding of psychology and have been able to get me into thinking like someone who has better mental health than straight-up academic psychology has. I’m not trying to knock the science, far from it, it’s just, for whatever reason the psuedo-science thing has put me in the correct mindset to better myself.
It was the confidence to overcome my fears that led me to Boston, led me to a better job than what I had before and to a place where I have connected with people socially in the last 7 months than I have with others in about 30 years. I’m rounding up because it sounds better. I’m 31 and technically it’s unfair to get on my 1 year old self for having social anxiety because I’m not sure that’s actually possible. One year old’s don’t say shit.
I guess I’m finding myself to be frustrated because I did the scary thing and now I want my reward. Okay, it’s a bit entitled but dammit, a multiple month stressful thing feels like it should lead to something great. Instead I’ve kind of sat in my apartment unpacking, screwing around on the internet and worrying. I feel like I’m searching for the next step in my journey and instead I’m getting a little restless from sitting inside all day. I kept thinking that the self improvement thing was involved with magic and soul searching but instead I keep trying to figure out where to fit all my shit. I will say though that meditation has done some interesting things for me in terms of idea creation and getting me to focus on cool stuff and what not (I SHOULD MOTIVATIONALLY SPEAK! LOOK HOW ENTHRALLING I AM!) so maybe I’ll give that another go. Or I’ll scroll up and down Facebook for the 17th time!