This new job thing has my feathers ruffled! (Adjectives from the 20’s are cool. Is that even from the 20’s? I don’t know, I’m not going to look into that. You can if you want I guess.) For the first time I have to work with other people who hold a college degree. In past work, I was probably making less money and being less challenged than normal but I felt I could always fall back on the college degree as a source of self-esteem. From a mental health perspective this is probably foolish as I know that I shouldn’t be getting my self-esteem from outside sources. But it was nice to know that whenever I got pissed at something I could fall back on the excuse that I was overqualified for this crummy job anyways then kick a can off to the side like an angry kid from a 60’s comic ad or something.
I can’t hide behind that now. There’s no exclusive evidence that says, “I’m smarter than you!” (This is time to note that I don’t actually think education is necessarily associated with intelligence but in times of distress it’s easy to fall back on superficial accomplishments.) The only way I can come by success is by achieving things like sales goals and other customer service measures and this entails enacting a level of social ability that I find petrifying. What I found today during my first day of orientation is that my avoidant personality disorder can still go strong when it wants to. For instance we were taken out to lunch by the company and while to some extent I found myself holding conversations when I needed to I couldn’t quite bring myself to be outgoing and stand out in a way that I want to. That frustrates me because I want to do great things and in order to do so I need to step outside the realm of what is considered normal but this is hard as hell when I almost pass out just trying to get TO normal. And that’s not an exaggeration, at one point during the lunch meeting my legs went week and I had to fight passing out. It just feels like a large mountain to climb. It makes me ask myself, “How can I succeed? How can I do great things if it’s such a struggle to be “normal”?
My self-doubt is very high and now tomorrow I get thrown into the fire of the new job and I don’t want to go. Like, 2% of me wants to die so I don’t have to….which, of course is extreme, but that’s how I feel at the moment so that’s….not good. And it brings to me a conundrum. On the one hand, I believe that we should chase what we want and do what’s pleasurable to us and when I feel like this about a job I can’t help but feel it isn’t for me but on the other hand the road to growth is filled with fear and if it’s literally just fear that’s keeping me from doing something good….that’s a silly reason to stop.
I am sick with anxiety right now. This is the worst panic attack I’ve had in some time, even the move itself didn’t fill me with this sort of dread. During that I felt more stress and just the desire for it to end but with this I just beg for some other source of income to happen so I can keep myself from going.
It’s funny because months ago I wanted this job as I knew it would bring me the income to move to Boston but here I am with the thing I want just begging to find another way to survive. I’m not sure what to take from that message but it tells me that getting what you want doesn’t always lead to joy. Or maybe it shows that the process to what you want isn’t always an easy one. If it was I probably wouldn’t have to move 14 hours across the country AND then try to get over a personality disorder would I? It kind of makes me long for the days when I worked an “easy” job and just came home and played video games but that was tough too. Of course I was never happy doing that either because if I was I wouldn’t have desired to get away from it. Ah life, you are so much fun! Keep it up!