I haven’t written anything in a few days. Part of that is because my commute is an hour each day and unless I want to clonk my head on a bar while riding a packed city bus, there’s not much I can do in that hour. But it’s also partially because I am in this fluctuating state of contentment and anxiety. The contentment comes from working a job that’s fulfilling and somewhat enjoyable. Which, of course is a really good thing. Now, I can’t help but wonder how long this will last. I think I’ve had a positive attitude towards every single job I’ve had the first couple of weeks or so leading me to fear that the good attitude will fade. Though, with with my last job there were absolutely red flags from the very beginning. My very first day I had to retake the drug test for no reason and the HR got irritated at me when I had the audacity to ask for my work schedule I hadn’t received yet, and I have yet to see any red flags like that in my new role.
But with some contentment and a little bit of joy I’m a little concerned because my desire to write and to continue to better myself has faded a bit which has also led to a lack of me posting in this blog. I have a story idea that I haven’t even come close to writing leading me to believe that my less anxious thoughts are problematic. That’s not to say my anxiety has faded because it absolutely hasn’t. Right now my anxiety is focused primarily on finances leading me to only want to better myself in that manner which again leads to a lack of wanting to do anything unless I know it’s going to lead to immediate financial success. I still struggle with wanting this blog and other creative endeavors leading to something career wise and because of my struggle with impatience I don’t always find it rewarding to post what I post unless a lot of people read it and comment on it. Which leads to more frustration as this means I am searching for validation from outside sources and it also leads to less productivity as I spend too much time checking emails and for notifications and also makes it so I only work on short pieces so I can try to receive that instant gratification.
I guess that leads to my ultimate struggle. I am still looking for a sweet spot where I enjoy the process of creation and want to share my work without dealing with the obsession of needing to know what other people think of it. That’s the ultimate desire because if I can hit a place of constant enjoyment, where the creative process is more enjoyable than the feeling of getting a fucking view than I can go back to work on my novels and other long stories I’ve been working on get closer to my goal of being a creator for a professional career.