Yesterday, I was all excited about the idea of being able to sell and how it ultimately came down to doing things despite the fact that they are scary. Today, I still believe that shit. In fact, I truly believe the key to overcoming nearly anything is just doing something even though it’s scary. I’ll even one up that and say that a majority of issues basically revolve around thoughts that we have and that it’s simply just overcoming the crappy emotion that comes from those thoughts and getting around the hesitancy and fear that comes from thoughts and we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want.
I’ve often thought about taking some of my short stories and just walk around the city and offer different people the story for some small amount of money. Maybe it’d be successful and maybe it wouldn’t at all but the idea is that I can do this. It wouldn’t be hard. It’d be an opportunity to make money for my writing, but the reason I don’t do it is because that sort of thing is scary. I’d get rejected by some. Others would think I’m weird. I may look homeless or something, I don’t know, there’s many reasons I don’t do that. Just like there’s many reasons I don’t do lots of others things but the only reason I do do different things is because of fear and because of the different thoughts I have attached to an activity to creates a hesitancy to do it. That’s why I’m so optimistic about being able to make sales, ultimately I try to get to a place mentally where I don’t give a shit about what the other person thinks of me and I do whatever it is I need to do even if it’s scary.
The reason I write this is not to say the same thing I said yesterday in a different way, it’s to show that while I think this way I am constantly trying to apply it and in the last few days during the training at my new job I have struggled with networking as I am training with around 20 people my own age. I want to share my struggles with it as a contrast to yesterday when I felt excited about the prospect of actually making sales and being able to overcome my issues. With that I feel like I’m close but when I think about how difficult I’ve been finding it to network at an event where I’m constantly around peers, shows that I still have work to do. I don’t know what the issue is. I have had no issues small talking with different people and I can carry on a conversation, especially if it revolves around NBA basketball but for whatever reason I am still having issues with making close connections with people and my ability to start conversations with people I don’t know still needs work. It boils down to me having the courage to say the thing that needs to be said in order to start the conversation. In may head I know that most people don’t give too much of a shit about you so the self judgments I have really mean nothing and I also know that most people just want to be liked so any sort of conversation starter isn’t going to lead to anything but a positive, especially in the setting I’ve been in recently but for whatever reason some of my old insecurities and fears are lingering. The desire to withdraw and sit in my car and play on a phone are still strong and unfortunately I have succumbed to that. This evening I sit frustrated as I have missed an opportunity to make friends in a new area all because I decided to give in to the old me and my old insecurities. I know there will be more opportunities but when my main goal is to overcome who I used to be and to overcome my mental illnesses I can’t help but think it’s a set back but with all that being said, I can’t live in the past. That does me no good. Tomorrow is another day and there will be more opportunity for human connection as there always is and all I have to do is follow my fear and do things in spite of it. I’ve been doing it for the past 6-7 months and I sure as shit can do it again.