I Want Life to Follow a Script But Really, Everything is Kind of Improved and That Is Kind of Better. Whose Line is it Anyways? Was Better Than A Lot of Shows With a Script. Think About It. Sigh….Okay, This Thing is About How I’m Obsessed With Control, Okay.

The need for control seems to be at the center of a lot of my anxiety. It very much is at the center of my social phobia. I rehearse conversations and replay them over and over again hoping for some sense of predictability when it comes to a lot of different types of social interaction. The problem with this is life is really nothing but a lot of improve. Humans are different and they respond to different situations in different ways.

I can’t really predict the way another person will respond to a thing I say or to the situation I’m in so I feel like entering a conversation with no preparation is really the way to go plus I feel like the natural flow of a conversation is what makes talking to another person fun in the first place. But the idea of preparing for a conversation doesn’t exactly work for conversations that can typically be pleasing, there are difficult conversations that exist too and I feel it’s easier to just get into it. When I have to do something challenging the idea of picking up the phone or approaching the person is a very fear provoking thing (and with my social issues conversations that shouldn’t really be difficult are more difficult for myself than they are for others. At least I assume this is the case but then again I could easily be mind reading in this situation. Maybe what I think is hard for me really is difficult for others as well) I prepare a script and I practice for what I THINK the other person is going to say, and usually what I think the other person is going to say is probably worst case scenario with what they could say. What ends up happening is I create a layer of defensiveness before the conversation even starts and in order to hype myself up for the conversation I get angry with the person to some level before we even talk creating a combative situation where there may not have been before.

On top of that, the scripting really doesn’t help anything. I’m still anxious regardless of how often I prepare so it doesn’t do anything but make the situation worse. I’ve kind of just learned to jump right into a difficult discussion without scripting to begin with. Instead I let the unknown take over and release the sense of control that I so strongly desire.

But isn’t just a social situation. I tend to get stuck in routines and can get irritable when a routine is broken. For instance, at any job I have I get stuck on tasks and get frustrated when a customer comes in unexpectedly because, even though the number one thing you want in business is customers because they give you money for things, I am not ready for them. Because of this I can get subconsciously angry at a person for having the nerve to interrupt my work with their desire to pay me. It doesn’t really effect my service on a conscious level however there is a part of me that just wants the interaction to end and that makes it difficult to give my all which is really want I want to do in life.

Part of my search for creativity…(that’s a thing I’m doing now. Last year my coming out of seasonal depression thing was finding myself or some shit. Now I’m searching for creativity. I don’t know what the difference is between the two but bear with me.) is to let go of my need for control. Unexpected things gives me the opportunity to problem solve and test my personal abilities and that really should be a fun and rewarding thing but I can be a boring person, especially if I adhere to a certain level or rigidity so allowing myself to be more adaptive and accepting of whatever life may punch me in the face with (or, you know, give me good things too I guess) I can find the opportunities to learn, grow and enjoy things more than if I just hope for the same things every day.

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