Why Does It Feel Like I Don’t Care Anymore?

My writing has certainly diminished as of late. I want to say it’s because my anxiety has lessened and it certainly has from the days before my move. But the anxious thoughts are certainly there. I think I just ran out of different ways to talk about butt cheeks….okay, I won’t revisit that strangeness.

As of late my anxiety feels more mundane. I have my typical ruminating thoughts but it’s over the same stuff I constantly fear. I don’t want to run out of money, I wonder about my health and I don’t always feel as thought I’m living life to the fullest. Those are definitely issues in themselves but they are fears that I repeat constantly and I’m kind of tired of both speaking about such anxieties and I’m way more than tired of dealing with them.

The last week or so I’ve dealt with extreme frustration as I get to a more stable time period of my life. I’ve spoken of the lack of motivation when it comes to creative endeavors and how I’m not even sure I want to be a creative writer anymore but I’m struggling more and more with how to replace that. When the decision was made to move from South Bend, Indiana to Boston, Massachusetts I felt like overcoming what was a massive amount of fears would lead to something great immediately. It was like, a giant move to a large city where I knew nobody was an understandably fearful thing but by going through the scary and stressful thing by figuring out how to move, getting a better paying job and looking for ways to enjoy my new city instead of retreating into the house and depressing myself constantly by staring at Facebook or whatever else for hours a day my life would magically get better.

In some ways it absolutely has. I’ve been successful at my new job in my early days and every weekend I have found ways to discover something new for little money but I can’t help but feel more lost. I feel as though I took these giant leaps and the reward is….I need to take more fucking leaps and while I have learned to do scary things I am at a point in my life where I don’t know what the next scary thing is. For the past 7 years I’ve hung onto this dream of “I’m going to write this story” or “I’m going to write this book.” and I’m going to make it big presenting myself with a large hurdle that just needs to be overcome and I will get the success I’ve searched for. With the realization that I may not actually want to be a creative writer I’m left asking myself what I want to do and that frustrates me as there is no big goal in front of me and it leads me to feel as though I’m living a life with no purpose.

It the last few months I really felt as though I’ve been growing but in the last few weeks it’s hard to feel as though this is true as my anxiety returns and a little bit of depression tried to come through today. I am reverting to my old habits and not connecting to new people I work with like I had hoped and I still haven’t joined any sort of group like I had intended since I’ve moved here. I guess you could say that I’m in a rut and I’m unsure as to how to escape it. My plan is to meditate again though with the long hours I’m working it feels tough to fit that in. I guess the lesson to learn is that any successful journey isn’t taken on a linear path and while that seems cliche sometimes it takes experiencing the cliche to actually understand why something like that has been said before. I plan on continuing my journey and there is a small part of me that feels as though I will do great things….I’m just too tired to tap into that at the moment.

I Sat On a Beach Today and Now I Have No Clue What I Want to Do With My Life. THANKS BEACH, YOU JERK!

I’m back in the weird state where I’m not sure if I’m content or unmotivated anymore. As of late, I’ve been rather busy with work and getting lost on city buses, which is always fun and should be impossible considering cell phones are a thing. There have been a couple of moments where I got to have time stand still a little bit, giving me a chance to take in my surroundings and meditate a little bit.

I took a walk Friday evening, from Cambridge to Boston and got to trek across the Longfellow Bridge giving me one of the more beautiful views of the city I have seen so far and in that walk I got to just enjoy what I was doing because I didn’t have the pressures of time telling me I have to go so I can do something else that night. Or I need to squeeze every hour of enjoyment out of now that I can because I have to work tomorrow. Between a week of training that lead to self-doubt as I took in lots of information that I didn’t really understand followed by a 12 hour shift where I actually had to apply those many hours of knowledge I became rather exhausted and it was nice to have a moment of clear headedness. The full day of work was great. I actually got some reassurance that I can sell even with my social anxiety and I connected with customers and new coworkers but even in that positivity I still grew very tired.

Today I got to close my weekend with an hour or two on the beach where I just sat and meditate and possibly fell asleep but in the time I was conscious I started to wonder about what direction I wanted my life to go in. For a long time I wondered about if writing was what I was “meant” to do or more specifically if fiction writing was what I wanted to do. I found all these signs, like what I enjoyed in childhood and my imagination and took them as surefire signs that I was supposed to do it  but I’m starting to wonder if I didn’t decide I wanted to do that because it would be a cool job and a cool thing to say I did. I’ve lately found it difficult to write fiction and while the process of thinking of a story is fun the process of writing it is monotonous and I find myself only wanting to write for others and not for me. And while I’ve expressed that issue many times I’m starting to wonder if it means I don’t really want to write that type of thing anymore.

I still enjoy writing. I enjoy when a piece flows and I like posting my blog stuff when I can but I don’t know if I actually enjoy writing my 100 plus page stuff. It kind of feels like a crossroads as I search for what I want to do with my life and as I try new things and overcome new fears I guess I’m stuck wondering what my next challenge is because right now the writing thing almost feels forced upon myself. It’s exciting to realize with full consciousness that you might want something new for yourself but it’s frustrating because I have no idea what that new thing is at the moment but, at the very least I got to take a nap on a beach and a seagull didn’t poop on my face so I win the day.

“I’m Really Friggen’ Excited! LIKE, LOOK AT ALL THE SHIT I CAN DO!!!!” “But You Might Fail.” “Oh Yeah. Fuck.”

Today I got a first hand look at how competitive my new job is. Ultimately the company has a measure that they utilize to measure who is good and who is bad. In some ways this isn’t a bad thing because the determinations of promotions and what not are figured in a less subjective way and as a sports fan and former (terrible) athlete I can easily relate to a score as a measure of who is the best. It’s also anxiety provoking. With such a score there are less excuses that can be used depending upon how good the measure is. With less excuses it’s going to make failing hard to handle. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want other people to be seen as better than me and I sure as hell don’t want to fall short. My stomach and back all hurt just thinking about the possibility that I’m not good enough. There’s also a load of self doubt that goes into just seeing the measure. I wish I could be the one to say “I’M GONNA COME IN AND BE THE BEST BECAUSE I’M THE BEST” but that isn’t me. In some ways I’m confident but in others I’m not. I feel as though I know how to execute sales and customer service and all that fun stuff but my anxiety rests upon if I’ll actually do it. I know I keep harping on this but it’s so important. I truly feel as though some pretty strong success is right in front of my face and all I have to do is not be scared and say things that make me uncomfortable from time to time.

The fact that it’s so simple makes it scary. It truly turns it into a me vs me contest. But I’ve added a certain layer of pressure to this. I have this strong desire to be successful as motivation for others. I see other people, especially on Facebook but in my personal life, who struggle with their position in life, anxiety, lack of self belief among other things and I have found recent that I want to succeed to act as a blue print for all the wonderful people I know who are struggling. I want to be able to say to them, “If I can do it you can and here’s how” and actually act as authority relating to it. I do feel I’ve taken a giant leap in recent months and I feel like some tremendous opportunities have come from it and at this point it really is just a matter of taking advantage of the opportunity. Getting the opportunity can sometimes be the most difficult part however executing on the opportunity involves a lot of pressure turning things that are somewhat simple into something more difficult and it all comes back to fear.

My life isn’t perfect at all. I’m not even close to where I want to be but the doors are opening wide and it’s all because I did stuff that was scary. In order to get to where I want to be I must continue to do scary things. It’s hard. I wish I could stop doing scary things. Maybe I can when I get to where I want to go. Maybe the scary stuff will never stop and to some extent that all sucks. But I’m certainly a happier person because of working through scary things. I hope this continues and I hope that someone can see me as an example and maybe even motivation for themselves to do the scary thing because I really everyone to find something better (if their life sucks.)

Today….Fear Fought Back But Tomorrow So Will I. Tomorrow I Will Do the Thing.

Yesterday, I was all excited about the idea of being able to sell and how it ultimately came down to doing things despite the fact that they are scary. Today, I still believe that shit. In fact, I truly believe the key to overcoming nearly anything is just doing something even though it’s scary. I’ll even one up that and say that a majority of issues basically revolve around thoughts that we have and that it’s simply just overcoming the crappy emotion that comes from those thoughts and getting around the hesitancy and fear that comes from thoughts and we can pretty much do whatever the hell we want.

I’ve often thought about taking some of my short stories and just walk around the city and offer different people the story for some small amount of money. Maybe it’d be successful and maybe it wouldn’t at all but the idea is that I can do this. It wouldn’t be hard. It’d be an opportunity to make money for my writing, but the reason I don’t do it is because that sort of thing is scary. I’d get rejected by some. Others would think I’m weird. I may look homeless or something, I don’t know, there’s many reasons I don’t do that. Just like there’s many reasons I don’t do lots of others things but the only reason I do do different things is because of fear and because of the different thoughts I have attached to an activity to creates a hesitancy to do it. That’s why I’m so optimistic about being able to make sales, ultimately I try to get to a place mentally where I don’t give a shit about what the other person thinks of me and I do whatever it is I need to do even if it’s scary.

The reason I write this is not to say the same thing I said yesterday in a different way, it’s to show that while I think this way I am constantly trying to apply it and in the last few days during the training at my new job I have struggled with networking as I am training with around 20 people my own age. I want to share my struggles with it as a contrast to yesterday when I felt excited about the prospect of actually making sales and being able to overcome my issues. With that I feel like I’m close but when I think about how difficult I’ve been finding it to network at an event where I’m constantly around peers, shows that I still have work to do. I don’t know what the issue is. I have had no issues small talking with different people and I can carry on a conversation, especially if it revolves around NBA basketball but for whatever reason I am still having issues with making close connections with people and my ability to start conversations with people I don’t know still needs work. It boils down to me having the courage to say the thing that needs to be said in order to start the conversation. In may head I know that most people don’t give too much of a shit about you so the self judgments I have really mean nothing and I also know that most people just want to be liked so any sort of conversation starter isn’t going to lead to anything but a positive, especially in the setting I’ve been in recently but for whatever reason some of my old insecurities and fears are lingering. The desire to withdraw and sit in my car and play on a phone are still strong and unfortunately I have succumbed to that. This evening I sit frustrated as I have missed an opportunity to make friends in a new area all because I decided to give in to the old me and my old insecurities. I know there will be more opportunities but when my main goal is to overcome who I used to be and to overcome my mental illnesses I can’t help but think it’s a set back but with all that being said, I can’t live in the past. That does me no good. Tomorrow is another day and there will be more opportunity for human connection as there always is and all I have to do is follow my fear and do things in spite of it. I’ve been doing it for the past 6-7 months and I sure as shit can do it again.

Can I Sell Some Shit With Social Anxiety? Sure…But Only If I Say The Thing.

I’m going through training for my new job and for the most part it’s been an enjoyable endeavor. There’s one big but though (HA! I SAID BIG BUT!) I learned the sales expectations for the company I  work in and I can’t help but think that I won’t be able to meet that goals in front of me. Now, I knew that I was getting into a sales position coming into this so the expectations are far from a surprise but it’s really hitting me that I am going to have to sell if I want to keep my job. This is scary because of my social anxieties and I have a small bit of uneasiness (you know it’s small because I’m writing about it and not making an awkward video!)

I must say though that this anxiety I feel is far from abnormal. I am fairly certain that anyone, even those with no social anxieties, feel a twinge of uncertainty when it comes to selling, especially when they are doing it for the first time and it involves a product they aren’t completely knowledgeable about. When I think about it this way it makes it easier because I’m no longer trying to overcome a debilitating mental disease but I’m instead trying to work with an issue that every person deals with. Not only does it make the task less overwhelming, it takes me out of the mindset of being a victim of mental disease and instead it empowers me.

I’ve also learned that the technical aspects of selling aren’t really that difficult. It’s ultimately talking to a person and then making sure to say the things that need to be said to a person. It just means getting comfortable with the possibility that a person may say “no” and know that when a person does it really doesn’t say anything about you as a person. I think there’s a tendency to overcomplicate selling shit because it’s scary. People say that they aren’t a sales person or that they aren’t good at selling but really it just means they haven’t come up with the courage to face rejection and in a way they fear failure. Neither of these things are good and I can certainly tell you this is my major fear as well. Remember, I have Avoidant Personality Disorder so my fear of rejection is massive and just the fact that I could be scared almost gives me a larger panic attack that the actually scary thing itself.

Essentially though, as I sit here scared of the new expectations upon me I simplify sales. The bottom line is I will be scared. It’s okay to be scared and it’s possible to do something that’s scary and the scary thing is ultimately just saying words to a person, which is incredibly easy when you take the mental illness aspect out of it. It’s literally making noise in a way that makes sense to another human. I’ve talked to many, many people in my life…it really isn’t hard. Now can I do it? Well, of course I can, but the question is will I? I certainly hope the answer is yes….we’ll see what happens. But I have to remember that I sold myself to the company and convinced them to hire me. I can certainly convince random dudes to buy some shit.

Hey. Wall. Get the Fuck Out of My Way. No, I’m a Fucking Wall. Getting in the Way is What I do. GODDAMN YOU WALL!

I’m not sure why I’m updating this site right now. I have to admit that my motivation to continue is at nothing. There’s nothing but extreme discouragement running through me as I write another article and I’m not too sure why. Part of me feels as though no one cares and that’s getting difficult to accept as I have poured a lot into this. I also know that perceptions can be very misleading, just because I think no body cares doesn’t exactly make it so. I guess I’m a little frustrated with myself as I intended to make humor the fundamental foundation of this website and I went in other directions with it and I’m not completely sure if that was for the better or not.

My impatience is coming through strong again I suppose. I really need to work on that shit. Things aren’t going the way I’d like in terms of….whatever one uses to judge a blog and, like I said, I feel more than discouraged. I want to utilize this to reach out to people and connect to people and it’s not going at the rate in which I hoped. Again, I know logically this is silly because blogs take years and years to take off in a lot of instances and the content has to be really fucking good in order to make that happen, I’m just frustrated. Like I wrote yesterday, I’ve hit a wall of what I hope is contentment but it actually could be some kind of depression, which is the exact opposite so that’s weird to confuse the two, but my desire to better myself is slipping. My goal of finding ways to improve my life is going down the drain and I feel myself reverting to old habits. So that sucks! I don’t know, maybe I need to look deep inside myself and dig up a good butt-joke! Um, knock knock….Who’s there? Butt? Butt-who? heh, heh…I’m a butt.

Yeah, that was stupid.

Contentment Feels Good But Is It Good For Me?

I haven’t written anything in a few days. Part of that is because my commute is an hour each day and unless I want to clonk my head on a bar while riding a packed city bus, there’s not much I can do in that hour. But it’s also partially because I am in this fluctuating state of contentment and anxiety. The contentment comes from working a job that’s fulfilling and somewhat enjoyable. Which, of course is a really good thing. Now, I can’t help but wonder how long this will last. I think I’ve had a positive attitude towards every single job I’ve had the first couple of weeks or so leading me to fear that the good attitude will fade. Though, with with my last job there were absolutely red flags from the very beginning. My very first day I had to retake the drug test for no reason and the HR got irritated at me when I had the audacity to ask for my work schedule I hadn’t received yet, and I have yet to see any red flags like that in my new role.

But with some contentment and a little bit of joy I’m a little concerned because my desire to write and to continue to better myself has faded a bit which has also led to a lack of me posting in this blog. I have a story idea that I haven’t even come close to writing leading me to believe that my less anxious thoughts are problematic. That’s not to say my anxiety has faded because it absolutely hasn’t. Right now my anxiety is focused primarily on finances leading me to only want to better myself in that manner which again leads to a lack of wanting to do anything unless I know it’s going to lead to immediate financial success. I still struggle with wanting this blog and other creative endeavors leading to something career wise and because of my struggle with impatience I don’t always find it rewarding to post what I post unless a lot of people read it and comment on it. Which leads to more frustration as this means I am searching for validation from outside sources and it also leads to less productivity as I spend too much time checking emails and for notifications and also makes it so I only work on short pieces so I can try to receive that instant gratification.

I guess that leads to my ultimate struggle. I am still looking for a sweet spot where I enjoy the process of creation and want to share my work without dealing with the obsession of needing to know what other people think of it. That’s the ultimate desire because if I can hit a place of constant enjoyment, where the creative process is more enjoyable than the feeling of getting a fucking view than I can go back to work on my novels and other long stories I’ve been working on get closer to my goal of being a creator for a professional career.

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