This has nothing to do with my fears but I have another page where I post creative writing shit and I figured that enough people have at least looked at my page that I’d self plug my other stuff so if you want to read some fiction of mine that’s cool. It’s here: https://joshlarew.wordpress.com/
Hey! It’s me talking to a computer again! This means I’m super freaking out over something so that’s worth watching I guess.
I’m not sure why I’m updating this site right now. I have to admit that my motivation to continue is at nothing. There’s nothing but extreme discouragement running through me as I write another article and I’m not too sure why. Part of me feels as though no one cares and that’s getting difficult to accept as I have poured a lot into this. I also know that perceptions can be very misleading, just because I think no body cares doesn’t exactly make it so. I guess I’m a little frustrated with myself as I intended to make humor the fundamental foundation of this website and I went in other directions with it and I’m not completely sure if that was for the better or not.
My impatience is coming through strong again I suppose. I really need to work on that shit. Things aren’t going the way I’d like in terms of….whatever one uses to judge a blog and, like I said, I feel more than discouraged. I want to utilize this to reach out to people and connect to people and it’s not going at the rate in which I hoped. Again, I know logically this is silly because blogs take years and years to take off in a lot of instances and the content has to be really fucking good in order to make that happen, I’m just frustrated. Like I wrote yesterday, I’ve hit a wall of what I hope is contentment but it actually could be some kind of depression, which is the exact opposite so that’s weird to confuse the two, but my desire to better myself is slipping. My goal of finding ways to improve my life is going down the drain and I feel myself reverting to old habits. So that sucks! I don’t know, maybe I need to look deep inside myself and dig up a good butt-joke! Um, knock knock….Who’s there? Butt? Butt-who? heh, heh…I’m a butt.
Yeah, that was stupid.
I haven’t written anything in a few days. Part of that is because my commute is an hour each day and unless I want to clonk my head on a bar while riding a packed city bus, there’s not much I can do in that hour. But it’s also partially because I am in this fluctuating state of contentment and anxiety. The contentment comes from working a job that’s fulfilling and somewhat enjoyable. Which, of course is a really good thing. Now, I can’t help but wonder how long this will last. I think I’ve had a positive attitude towards every single job I’ve had the first couple of weeks or so leading me to fear that the good attitude will fade. Though, with with my last job there were absolutely red flags from the very beginning. My very first day I had to retake the drug test for no reason and the HR got irritated at me when I had the audacity to ask for my work schedule I hadn’t received yet, and I have yet to see any red flags like that in my new role.
But with some contentment and a little bit of joy I’m a little concerned because my desire to write and to continue to better myself has faded a bit which has also led to a lack of me posting in this blog. I have a story idea that I haven’t even come close to writing leading me to believe that my less anxious thoughts are problematic. That’s not to say my anxiety has faded because it absolutely hasn’t. Right now my anxiety is focused primarily on finances leading me to only want to better myself in that manner which again leads to a lack of wanting to do anything unless I know it’s going to lead to immediate financial success. I still struggle with wanting this blog and other creative endeavors leading to something career wise and because of my struggle with impatience I don’t always find it rewarding to post what I post unless a lot of people read it and comment on it. Which leads to more frustration as this means I am searching for validation from outside sources and it also leads to less productivity as I spend too much time checking emails and for notifications and also makes it so I only work on short pieces so I can try to receive that instant gratification.
I guess that leads to my ultimate struggle. I am still looking for a sweet spot where I enjoy the process of creation and want to share my work without dealing with the obsession of needing to know what other people think of it. That’s the ultimate desire because if I can hit a place of constant enjoyment, where the creative process is more enjoyable than the feeling of getting a fucking view than I can go back to work on my novels and other long stories I’ve been working on get closer to my goal of being a creator for a professional career.
I post my struggles and am very candid about that sort of thing. I do it because I think it’s important. There seems to be a certain beauty in human vulnerability and I have gotten some wicked cool responses(I have to say ‘wicked’ now because I live in New England….yeah, that’s not going to be a thing I continue to do…) The openness of my expressions has created some kind of connection between me and others. Today, at my new job, I even expressed a level of honesty and vulnerability that seemed to create a cool vibe between me and my coworkers. Now, to be clear, I wasn’t spilling how I didn’t feel like I measured up to other humans and expressing how I have horrible social anxiety but I did acknowledge moments when I wasn’t 100% confident with something and within that honesty I created a connection with new people as there was likely something there that could be related to. There seemed to be a different energy than if I had just come in and tried to be fake confident and arrogant or something.
My point of this is that I go into the pain but rarely celebrate the good. The point of the expressing of my pain is to show this; I have incredibly awful anxiety that brings me to the lows I felt just last night (https://scareddude.com/2017/06/13/remember-that-time-when-i-wanted-to-achieve-something-can-i-go-back-to-not-wanting-that-please/) but I have proven that I can work through fear that causes me to sleep limited hours and do whatever I need to do anyways. I say this to show that if I can come from fear like that. Everyone can work through fear like that (and I’ve read many different articles about people who have anxiety that is near crippling.) I have such a desire to turn my experiences into some kind of an inspiration for others instead of creating art that is built entirely of pain and suffering. It’s because of that I try to pour out every ounce of who I am in different videos and articles. That doesn’t mean I’m successful in doing so. That doesn’t mean I’m vulnerable as much as I’d like but I want so bad to look at my painful moments and see that I got through them and I grew. I hope others decide to join me on that journey.
I don’t know if anyone uses Bing to search for stuff, I know I sure as shit don’t but if you type “Butt Joke Come Back” into that search engine my site is the first site to come up and that’s the greatest thing ever so if you could please type those words into Bing and click the site from there maybe that can become a thing or something….I don’t really know how search engines work I just thought that was an amazing thing.
This new job thing has my feathers ruffled! (Adjectives from the 20’s are cool. Is that even from the 20’s? I don’t know, I’m not going to look into that. You can if you want I guess.) For the first time I have to work with other people who hold a college degree. In past work, I was probably making less money and being less challenged than normal but I felt I could always fall back on the college degree as a source of self-esteem. From a mental health perspective this is probably foolish as I know that I shouldn’t be getting my self-esteem from outside sources. But it was nice to know that whenever I got pissed at something I could fall back on the excuse that I was overqualified for this crummy job anyways then kick a can off to the side like an angry kid from a 60’s comic ad or something.
I can’t hide behind that now. There’s no exclusive evidence that says, “I’m smarter than you!” (This is time to note that I don’t actually think education is necessarily associated with intelligence but in times of distress it’s easy to fall back on superficial accomplishments.) The only way I can come by success is by achieving things like sales goals and other customer service measures and this entails enacting a level of social ability that I find petrifying. What I found today during my first day of orientation is that my avoidant personality disorder can still go strong when it wants to. For instance we were taken out to lunch by the company and while to some extent I found myself holding conversations when I needed to I couldn’t quite bring myself to be outgoing and stand out in a way that I want to. That frustrates me because I want to do great things and in order to do so I need to step outside the realm of what is considered normal but this is hard as hell when I almost pass out just trying to get TO normal. And that’s not an exaggeration, at one point during the lunch meeting my legs went week and I had to fight passing out. It just feels like a large mountain to climb. It makes me ask myself, “How can I succeed? How can I do great things if it’s such a struggle to be “normal”?
My self-doubt is very high and now tomorrow I get thrown into the fire of the new job and I don’t want to go. Like, 2% of me wants to die so I don’t have to….which, of course is extreme, but that’s how I feel at the moment so that’s….not good. And it brings to me a conundrum. On the one hand, I believe that we should chase what we want and do what’s pleasurable to us and when I feel like this about a job I can’t help but feel it isn’t for me but on the other hand the road to growth is filled with fear and if it’s literally just fear that’s keeping me from doing something good….that’s a silly reason to stop.
I am sick with anxiety right now. This is the worst panic attack I’ve had in some time, even the move itself didn’t fill me with this sort of dread. During that I felt more stress and just the desire for it to end but with this I just beg for some other source of income to happen so I can keep myself from going.
It’s funny because months ago I wanted this job as I knew it would bring me the income to move to Boston but here I am with the thing I want just begging to find another way to survive. I’m not sure what to take from that message but it tells me that getting what you want doesn’t always lead to joy. Or maybe it shows that the process to what you want isn’t always an easy one. If it was I probably wouldn’t have to move 14 hours across the country AND then try to get over a personality disorder would I? It kind of makes me long for the days when I worked an “easy” job and just came home and played video games but that was tough too. Of course I was never happy doing that either because if I was I wouldn’t have desired to get away from it. Ah life, you are so much fun! Keep it up!
This is my first horrifying thing I made a video about. Well, I guess it’s technically the second and it’s my third video. YOU CAN TELL I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING CAN’T YOU! Also, I’m beardless now so that’s cool.
I find a lot of things get me really, really anxious so I think it’s cool if I go on camera and talk about those things within the moment. The act of making a video while talking to a webcam is extremely anxiety provoking so I figured I’d start there but there are certain to be other moments in which this occurs.